Why Do I Get Upset All The Time?

Why Do I Get Upset All the Time

2012-02-03T16:21:00.000-08:00

Hello, my name is Dr. Roland Trujillo MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, board certified counselor, and author of 12 books. I've been helping people deal with stress and learn to overcome their emotional reactions for over 20 years. I've also been on the radio for 22 years and I passed the million listener mark a long time ago.

What makes me different is that I do more than just talk and write. I have a special mindfulness meditation that helps people become centered and less reactive. I have made this meditation free to listen to and practice.

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life’s little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like “exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient” describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride.

I know, times are tough. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said: “If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention.” There are indeed outrageous things happening. There are things that good citizens should pay attention to.

The problem is that most of us do not know how to pay attention without becoming upset by what we see. So we shut down.

But our most upset issues are with daily small irritations. You've probably heard the expression "Don't sweat the small stuff." We know this is true, but the problem is we don't know how to not sweat the small stuff. This is because we have literally conditioned ourselves to become irritated. And when the next little thing occurs, our body reacts.

A small irritant to which we have reacted can literally build to the point that we're ready to have an emotional meltdown over it. Moreover, we react and suppress our emotions all day long, so there is an accumulation of upset and tension leading us to explode in anger at a loved one or reach for the bottle.

Here is the key.

1. Learning to watch for and let go of resentment which sustains and reinforces our reaction. It was resentment that led to the very first reaction to a look alike situation long ago, and it is resentment that sustains it and reinforces it. The resentment must be let go of, whether it be resentment against the situation, the person, the first occurrence, oneself, or resentment against anything.

If you don't know how to get enough distance mentally to stand back and watch for the resentment, I can teach you how. (Read about the meditation now)

2. As I will relate later, becoming upset is a way of life for most of us. So the second thing that must be learned is to practice going through life in a more detached way, as more of an observer. In my writings I can show you how and why this dispassionate state of mind and calm state way of living is based on principles of forgiveness and patience.

In fact, the reader will see that these principles correspond to beautiful religious or philosophical principles you may have heard and appreciated but never learned to to apply.

3. Some people do discover that their upset hinges on resentment, but they are unwilling to give it up. However, many people can understand where I'm coming from, they see their resentment and impatient, and don't want to be that way, but don't know how to make the change. I can show you how.

The secret to regaining self control has to do with the timeless moment just before we react.

It is in the moment that we have the freedom to make a choice between going with the resentment and all that follows, or to remain patient. Once we go ahead and resent or choose to indulge the judgment, then there is a due process that occurs, and the bodily stress responses take place, one after another.

Here at the Center For Common Sense Counseling we help people learn to be aware without being upset. We all know that we need to calm down and be reasonable, but as soon as we react, we forget and lose control. It happens so fast. That is why our stillness meditation (which is free to listen to and download) is helpful.

In a nutshell, it shows you how to be still, and then carry a calm awareness out into your daily activities. Pre-armed with patience, you won't get caught unawares. And when the previously upsetting situation comes along, you can observe it instead of getting caught up in it.

When you are aware, you will have understanding. And when you are not upset in the first place, you won’t become upset and irritable in the second place. You will be patient with your loved ones.

Learn the secret of self control without painful repression and you will have it made in the shade.

I have two versions of the meditation:
the classic version which I have been using for over 20 years,

and a new shorter version especially for stress and PTSD
Find out about our new free meditation to cope with stress

Be sure to also check out the meditation booklet also free to read online.
Remember, these resources are free. If they help you, then you can always make a donation later. But right now, don't miss out on at least looking over these self help resources.

I'm Anxious and I Worry All the Time

2011-12-30T16:10:00.000-08:00

Pastor, I'm in a hurry
But I need your advice.
All I do is worry
And rethink everything twice.

I worry about this and I worry about that.
Whether I'm too thin or maybe too fat.

Did I remember to feed the cat?

Did I turn off the television?
Did I wait until the dryer stopped spinning?
Did I turn on the answering machine?
Was that scary thing real or was it a dream?

Will I ever meet someone?
With me, does anyone ever have fun?
Did I commit the unpardonable sin?
When I arrive will they let me in?

I dread having to give a speech tomorrow.
Why am I always behind a hard act to follow?
I'm worried about today,
I'm still worrying about yesterday.
Does my hair look okay?

Pastor, I need your help and suggestion.
But I'm worried you won't answer my question.
_____________

Don't worry or fear,
Pastor Roland is here.
He's the Poet Pastor
And he's got an answer.

Relax and get a good night's rest.
Pastor Roland's answers are the best.
He'll have an answer for you;
It will be ready tomorrow by noon.

read the answer

Why Do I Get Upset All the Time and Stress Out Over Everything - Free Online Help

2011-11-15T16:49:00.000-08:00

Why Do I Get Upset All the Time? Where Can I Find Help Online

2011-11-15T08:11:00.000-08:00

"Most psychiatric drugs can cause withdrawal reactions, sometimes including life-threatening emotional and physical withdrawal problems. In short, it is not only dangerous to start taking psychiatric drugs, it can also be dangerous to stop them. Withdrawal from psychiatric drugs should be done carefully under experienced clinical supervision." Warning posted by Dr. Peter Breggin

Despite all the emphasis of giving drugs to depressed people, many recover from depression with time on their own, while others receive help from a variety of sources, including therapy, family, and religion. Depression is a loss of hope. . . . The restoration of hope is key to overcoming depression and hope can come from many sources. The alternative to antidepressants is all of life: romantic love, family, friends, community, nature, and religion all help people overcome depression. Scientific studies show that everything from a new pet to an exercise program, as well as the passage of time, can relieve depression." Dr. Peter Breggin

Update Here is a two minute video by Dr. Peter Breggin MD that talks about adverse effects and the treatment of depression. Dr. Breggin has been called the conscience of psychiatry. He makes several excellent observations in this short talk.

Hello, I am a pastoral counselor and spiritual care giver. This is a lengthy article. So here is a summary. To find what you want, just scroll down.

Many people are out of control emotionally. This loss of self sovereignty results in anger and a sense of loss of dignity. Usually their life is also out of control, which then is made worse when a host of outside forces and events begin to be dominate them, increasing the sense of being controlled or out of control.

I do not buy into the chemical imbalance in the brain theory. As a pastor, I see that there is a spiritual component as well as a relational one to our life issues--often beginning with childhood traumas; poor communication with a father; then school, peer and other pressures, exacerbated by a variety of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and even misdiagnoses.

Then to make matters worse, most people become resentful toward others who caused their issues or failed to help them, and this resentment destabilizes them and renders them exquisitely sensitive to those very pressures.

Resentment and the traumas to which we have over-reacted cause us to lose the center--lose touch with our center of dignity and innocence, and fall away from our Creator (to Whom we were once close when very little children). Thus I see that learning to let go of resentment is an important component in repairing one's life and restoring emotional balance and control.

A complementary Christian meditation has been found by some people to be helpful in facilitating the restoration of balance, control and a sense of dignity. It helps them calm down without feeling numbed, disconnected or dazed. Some also say that it seems to assist in them in re-finding their spiritual roots, and once a connection is re-established, there appears to be a power that comes into play that assists in holding back the pressures from overwhelming them.

Many were Christians, but just not quite Christian enough. Somehow this meditation permits them to become unblocked and to get in touch with their Christian roots in a wholesome way, so that now they can better appreciate what their good pastor or the Bible is saying.

Reason returns, calmness enters, and now reality becomes a friend. Real positive options can be explored, and now the door opens to a chain of good things happening, and the door closes to the negative thoughts, emotions and the negative behaviors they were once compelled to exhibit. Click here to read more about meditation.

After introducing the meditation and why it can help, the author then refers to Mike's Story. Mike's Story is a success story of someone who overcame depression, OCD, bipolar, anxiety and substance abuse without drugs. Mike's Story is published in installments (and will soon be a book). Click Here to read Mike's Story now.
Finally additional resources are listed, both library resources and online free resources to read and watch. End of summary

Hello,
this is Pastor Roland. Many people are concerned about negative emotions. They have them and are seeking to cope with them and solve them. So they are looking for educational resources and solution strategies. This article is divided into three sections.

First I talk about why we become upset in the first place (usually beginning in childhood) and how a proper meditation to learn how to calm down can help a person cope. I put this section first because I believe that finding the key to natural self control is the most important thing each of us can discover.

Many people are out of control, and regaining self sovereignty has so many benefits, among them a restored sense of dignity and self worth, living life on a more even keel, having more patience with others, and the restoration of hope when we discover that we really can cope with life's challenges and seek for the purpose of our life.

Next, I list some online resources for further reading and listening (starting with my own articles and blogs).

This post is a resource for you. It offers information and avenues for further exploration. Its purpose is to offer you some educational resources to help you in your search for answers. Obviously I do not know your individual circumstances, so I am just offering some general information.

Part One: Why We Became Negative and Emotional In the First Place and How to Regain Self Control

We suffer from a disconnect from our Creator. We cannot give ourselves patience, we cannot give ourselves love, we cannot give ourselves joy. We need our Creator's love and approval. The problem is that finding our Creator is interfered with by out of control emotions, but it is the calm Presence of our Creator and the surety of realizing His benevolence and providence that we need to restore composure.

Human beings have a soul. We thrive in an atmosphere of love.

Dr. Peter Breggin, M.D. wrote a book entitled Toxic Psychiatry: Why Therapy, Empathy and Love Must Replace the Drugs, Electroshock and Biochemical Theories of the New Psychiatry. I like his title and premise of his book. I do not believe in the biochemical theories, and I do not believe in the so called "chemical imbalance in the brain" theory.

Love, empathy and understanding are indeed what we all need. Our fellow humans, if graced with understanding and patience, may at least do no harm, give us space to recover, or perhaps lend a helping hand when we are in a tough spot. However, I believe that the ultimate love, empathy and understanding that we need to solve our issues, restore self composure and a sense of well being come from our Creator within.

Trouble is--it was someone out in the world who started us reacting in the first place. We began to feel empty and out of control. So we made the mistake of looking to the world for love and for answers.

Whether you look to people, substances, experts, helpers, or organizations--you can't find what you lost out in the world. What you lost was rapport with your Creator, and the means of being calm, reasonable, and fulfilled without becoming dependent on someone or something on the outside.

At this point, I might take a moment to address my Christian brothers and sisters. It happens that a person can begin to feel overwhelmed and out of control through some childhood trauma or having a big reaction to some incident, because of a lack of guidance about how to control emotions, or because of the accumulation of many small emotional reactions. Another contributor to feeling overwhelmed is pressure and challenge (whether the pressures are religious, sports, academic, parental, or peer group).

I have to say that the patient and kind presence of someone with understanding, especially a calm and unperturbed parent, might have prevented the emotional build up. In this regard, there is nothing like the steady hand of a father. Father stands in for God in the eyes of the child. A father who is there for us and who is full of wisdom and grace is often all we need to get through life's vicissitudes unscathed.

But for whatever reason the negative emotions began, and once they take hold there is then a struggle with the symptoms, plus resentment toward others and impatience with their own self. Resentment leads to even more anxiety, guilt, unhappiness, and run away emotions.
That is why patience and understanding both with yourself and others is needed. I have a free Christian meditation which has helped a lot of people become centered and helped them refind their calm center of dignity.

We cannot give ourselves patience or understanding, but we can discover them within when we cease our struggle and, as the old expression goes, "let go and let God." The problem is that most of us don't know how to become centered. We are just too emotional, too lost in thinking and struggling.

The meditation is just a little tech support. God says in the Bible "Be still and know that I am God." The little meditation exercise assists a person in being still. That's all. God does the rest.

Once a person learns how to get centered and calm down, s/he is more receptive to reason and intuitive insight. The person can then calmly see, grasp, and most importantly apply the kind of sound advice you get in the Bible, for example, or from a good pastor. The assistance of my Christian meditation may be very well be helpful in restoring a person to a more even keel and calmness. Then s/he can successfully move forward with the Christian walk.
The Christian meditation is complementary to what you are doing now. I am not seeking to replace your present faith practices or your relationship with your pastor or spiritual caregiver.

The Christian stillness meditation is simply a tool to get centered and calm down. Then it will be easier to be a Christian and to apply to your life the beautiful Christian principles that you hear and read. It helps you to be a better Christian. When you are calmer and less upset, you will not be lost in worries. You will be able to focus better on the instruction of your good pastor or the Scripture.

The Christian will be edified to learn that it is in departing from patience and faith that we fall into emotions. The secret to regaining self composure is to return to and cling to an inner rapport with the Source of patience and faith. You have suffered from a disconnect from your Creator.

And as I have always said--conscience is your closest link to God. When I say conscience, I mean what you know in your heart is right (it is a quiet presence and a sense of well being, until you stray from it, then it feels like conscience when it seeks to make you aware that you have erred). All you need is to plug back in, begin again to trust in your intuition (your gut, your highest instincts) and great will be your joy and relief when you discover that patience and understanding will be imparted to you there.

I'm sure you've heard this before--what people need is finding and solving the cause of their issues; but what they get is mostly symptom removal. Taking away symptoms is what most of our worldly helpers, experts, entertainers and lovers are adept at. Trouble is their brand of symptom relief and symptom removal leads to more symptoms, unforeseen side effects, and more unawareness--leading to another round of error. Meanwhile the cause is still there.

This brings us to the subject of drugs.

Psychiatrist and expert in psychopharmacology, Dr. Peter Breggin, wrote a book entitled Your Drug May Be Your Problem: How and Why to Stop Taking Psychiatric Medication. He points out that in some cases the side effects of various psychotropic drugs include such things as restlessness, anxiety, mania, depression, hearing voices, thoughts of hurting self or others, and increased suicidality (that's why the FDA has required the drug manufacturers to put Black Box Warnings about increased suicidality on some meds, especially for children and adolescents).

As discussed in Dr. Breggin's book Medication Madness - the Role of Psychiatric Drugs in Suicide, Violence and Crime, if a person is experiencing negative thoughts and feelings as side effects, and does not realize that the drug is contributing to them, that person sometimes starts to blame himself or herself for what they are thinking or feeling.

This self doubt and self blame lead to more negativity. This unfortunate situation is solveable when the person is educated about the fact that it's not them it's the side effect.

Parents may wish to read Dr. Breggins's book and educate themselves about this issue. Dr. Breggin devotes a whole chapter to effects associated with stimulant drugs given to treat children. This book is available at many free public libraries.

While under the spellbinding influence of emotion or drug, people think, say or do things that they never would otherwise. For example, under the influence of anger, a person might say something hurtful they later are sorry for.

Without realizing that marijuana has caused their driving skills to deteriorate, a person might make a mistake while driving.

Dr. Hendrickson describes in her book about a lady who recounted that after taking meds she began hearing voices telling her that she was ugly and everyone hated her. I recently heard of people who take a med to help them sleep who get up and cook or drive their car in the middle of the night and don't even remember it the next day.

How do any of these negative effects help in the Christian walk? They obviously don't. They make the Christian walk harder.

Maybe you can also see that emotions, such as anger, are like drugs. Perhaps the worst "drug" of all is the emotion of resentment. The very Christian virtues of patience, love, and forgiveness are hard to apply when emotions are running high, especially resentment. Since emotions, especially resentment, interfere with the calm application of principles such as those taught by Christ in the Sermon on the Mount, it makes sense to first calm down.

But you need to calm down naturally and in God's way and with His approval and help. Any external artificial means will cause guilt. Peace of mind, self control, and a carefree spirit are an inside job--they cannot be slapped on like a coat of paint, or manipulated with chemicals.

Incidentally, I have devoted twenty years of study to resentment and the importance of letting it go. In fact, I have discovered the secret to forgiveness. Many people know they are supposed to forgive but find it hard and don't know how (the secret lies in dropping resentment). I have covered this topic extensively in my books and articles. See free self help resources.

I have already mentioned drugs. The problem with taking drugs to calm down is that taking drugs causes guilt. We ought not to need a drug to calm us down, a drink of alcohol to give us courage, or a comedian to make us happy.

Calmness, spontaneity, happiness, courage and a blythe care-free spirit are the natural state of the human being (such as you see in little children). These come forth from within, and are there for us when we look to our Creator instead of to external supports.

Many Christians who keep looking for external crutches are just not Christian enough. They may be Christian, but not Christian through and through. Some of them are glad to discover that all the external things they lean on are what is interfering with being the Christian they would like to be. The good life is an inside thing, not an outside thing. Something was always missing, but they couldn't figure out what it was. Perhaps the meditation can help you find the missing something that will restore a bounce in your step and make your Christianity come alive for you.

Your downfall began with something or someone on the outside that you reacted to with anger or resentment, instead of remaining patient by responding only to inner principle. As Christians we know we are supposed to be patient and not take umbrage.

But you did take umbrage.

Your love was tested and found wanting. Now, you are undoubtedly still resenting the fact that you failed, still trying to make good, and still struggling with the cascade of symptoms that are the sequelae of your initial reaction long ago.

Now you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and admit that you failed. Don't be too hard on yourself (it's just another way the ego tries to rise above the situation and save its pride). We have all sinned and fallen short, as Paul said.

But here is my point. If it was reacting to the outside that started your descent in the first place, then more of the same is not the answer. You cannot solve your issue by more reacting to the outside. The answer is not on the outside--whether responding to a drug, substance, promises, support, words, or music.

The answer is responding to Truth within and finding an inner rapport, so that when the next external appeal comes along, this time you can remain unmoved.

True self control is from within--not painful suppression and repression, but a natural effortless control. Peace of mind, virtue and joy are awaiting us when we look within instead of looking to the outside. We need to be restored to our calm center of dignity where we might commune with insight and patience coming from God.

When we are back in touch with our God-given intuition, we then live and move and have our being from an inner source of intuitive guidance. And from there we get our energy to move. Being moved by a love of principle, we move forward without guilt or anxiety. Being on the same page as our Creator, we have no more unrecognized conflict with Him.

By being patient with others instead of resentful, we are rewarded with God's love from within. No longer needing the motivation of emotions to get the energy to move, we calm down and we begin to affect the world instead of the world affecting us.

No longer needing external pressures and challenges to stimulate us, we look within to apply delicate principles. And because the wellspring of our life is now from our Creator, there is no more anxiety or guilt. Only a peace of mind and a quiet joy in living our life. We learn that we don't need drugs, emotions, resentment, excitement or other externally based stimulations to be reasonable happy most of the time.

We need more than symptom removal. And we need more than knowledge about our issues. How many people do you know who seem to know everything about their operation, their diagnosis, or their meds. They are very knowledgeable, but they lack understanding that would give them insight and patience with themselves and others.

We cannot find this precious understanding in books, on the internet, from a preacher, from a drug, a counselor, or in a classroom. The best anyone can do for you is speak in such a way as to awaken you to see for yourself, so that you might see solutions instead of problems and so that you might stand back and stop interfering with natural spiritual restorative processes.

Understanding is a gift from God to the person who sincerely wants to know the truth and is willing to set aside raw knowledge and the judgments of pride in order to know God instead of playing God. It comes from within as a wordless knowing to the humble soul.

You need to find the state of mind where we can access God's understanding from within. This state of mind is called objectivity.

As long as you remain lost in thoughts, emotions, and study, you cannot find God's Presence and realize His point of view. You remain subjective.

Everything that I am trying to do on my radio program and in my books and blogs is awaken you to see that you are currently too lost in thinking and emotions. .

If you can learn to take a step back, and look at your issues objectively, you will inherit objectivity and the power to observe them without over-reacting to what you see. You will realize patience--first with yourself, then with others. You will realize that you have been too lost in struggling with your own issues, trying to save yourself, and then dealing with symptoms. You will also inherit understanding about yourself and others.

Let's take a quick look at how most of our emotional issues began. if you are like most people, what undoubtedly happened is that when you were a child someone failed to have love and patience for you.

An impatient or bossy parent, or an absent, drunken, or violent dad who wasn't there for you are often the ones who failed to have the agape love that would have shielded you from the emotional teases of the world. A weak parent, or one who is overly permissive, is just the other side of the coin of the impatient parent--neither has the kind of agape, emotionless love that we all really need.

When dad wasn't there for you, you became subject to your mothers' tender mercies--and if she didn't spoil you or teach you to hate your father, then she was impatient or even cruel. Through father's failure, we became subject to the world.

Through father's failure, you became subject to your teasing naughty friends, the gang, the pressuring or doting teachers and coaches, the pharmaceuticals, the drug dealer, the music and the entertainment industry--all of which appealed to your ego and your need for love. They appeared to love you, from your egotistical perspective. You felt empty and needy, and they filled the need with false love.

Sometimes we all need a helping hand, and we need someone to take charge when we are out of control. Afterwards we may need some sort of support to help keep us from falling back into the old habit patterns and associations that got us in trouble in the first place.

I take my hat off to the many people in the helping professions and the administrative systems who genuinely want to alleviate suffering and help individuals and society. They have a tough job and limited resources. I am glad and grateful they are there to help.

But there is only so much they can do. And to use an analogy--though we sometimes need the help of the good doctors at a hospital to help us get through a crisis, we don't want to stay in the hospital forever. We want to quickly get better and then move forward to health.

Likewise, when it comes to mental, emotional and spiritual health, it is good when we get a helping hand to help us weather the storm.

But just as we don't want to remain in the hospital forever, likewise we should not have to remain in church forever, on meds forever, or remain dependent on the system forever.

We should gratefully accept the temporary help of the hospital, the helping professionals, our support system, or the generosity of the social welfare administration, and then get back on our feet, become self reliant, and move forward to recovery, well being and optimal living. We shouldn't have to remain in church forever or in the system forever.

That is why the meditation and the insights of objectivity can be helpful. Once people refind their own center of dignity and discover access there to a fount of intuitive insight, they can become self motivated and self correcting.

They are grateful for the helping hand other people extended, but then instead of becoming dependent, they become well, productive, self reliant and self correcting.

Can you see how important it is to refind your God given intuition? Through the inner light which we know as wordless intuition, we find a link to our Creator and the kind of inner motivation and just-in-time guidance that stabilizes and restores us to dignity, faith, and peace of mind.

We will then be able to see, in this Light, which way to go and what activities to pursue that are in line with our God given talents. And perhaps most importantly, we discover that God gives us His warm love from within. We discover that for people who are sorry for judgments and hatreds, and who are willing to give up resentments, He forgives them and they feel His love within. Then they find that they can have patience with others and patience with their own failings and symptoms.

Otherwise, we are relegated to keep hunting and pecking for love from the world. Some of us turn to food, alcohol, or drugs to fill the emptiness. These substances appear to love you, but later you find that they are also your betrayers. Food cannot save you and fulfill you. And the kind of salvation a person finds in drugs or alcohol is the kind of unawareness that makes them even more prone to negative thoughts and wrong behaviors.

Perhaps now you can see the harm of the weak father. He may be decent, and he may even say the right things. But he says them weakly. He does not want to offend. He wants to be liked. He wants to be popular.

He turns you over the peer culture, the sports culture, the entertainment culture and the types of help that are available from external sources. In essence, he hands you over to others to have their way with you. He turns over responsibility to mom and puts her in charge. And she then turns the kids over to external authorities, to the peer group, and to the pop culture.
So now you know how it was that you were emotionalized, externalized and traumatized. It was not your fault. Now you see where the world's "love" has brought you. But this is not an excuse to resent or hate your parents, the schools, doctors, counselors, the clergy, the peer group, entertainers or anyone else. Sure they failed and may have betrayed you.

But surely you must also see that you used them. When you arrived at their doorstep begging for support, love and help--they did indeed try to help you. But you thereby gave them the power to play god over you.

Alas their help was human help. What you needed was God's love and help. But no one showed you how or where to find it. Your father was the one who should have been there with wisdom and understanding to stand patiently but steadfastly for what is right, to protect your innocence, and ever so gently guide you to find your Creator within.

But undoubtedly, no matter how decent he was, he was not stronger than the world. He too was a victim. No one had tutored him and shown him the way. So he never found it himself. When you see this, you will be able to forgive him for failing you.

Like I said, we all need to go to a doctor at times or get some help from someone. We must be grateful for their skill and their willingness to help. We must be grateful (and not feel humiliated) to need a little helping hand. But they are only human too. It is unfair to expect them to save you. You must graciously accept their help, but then seek to wean yourself from taking advantage of them.

I once heard Dr. Adrian Rogers say something interesting in this regard. He said that human goodness is not goodness if it leads you away from God. Just as some moms have done harm to their child by jealously claiming the child's love and coming between the child and his father, so likewise those we ask to help us may end up unknowingly keeping us from God if we put them on pedestals, use them to deny reality, or if we resent them when their help fails to save us.

When it comes to your unloved mom and your unaware weak dad, you must no longer resent them. They were victims too. Chances are that--whatever they did to you or allowed others to do to you--your parents didn't know any better or didn't know what was going on. Perhaps they were gullible and naive. Perhaps one or both were so angry and upset that they could not see through their emotions what your needs were. Perhaps they knew you were being harmed by them or others, but they were powerless to stop themselves or solve the situation.

The good news is that beginning right now you can start to solve your issues, regardless of what happened to you in the past. It begins with dropping your resentments against your parents (perhaps in the light of what you have just read). Then you will be able to extend that forgiveness to others too, especially to those who resemble the ones who hurt you when you were a child.

When you see that they too were victims, that they were claimed at an early age, and that no one had true agape love for them, it will be easier to forgive them.

The other thing is this--even if your parents had been perfect, because of your inherited pridefulness, you undoubtedly would have resented them anyway for not worshipping your or letting you have your way.

Remember the Garden of Eden story. Adam was in Paradise, but he was tempted to try to have his own way, and so he became ambitious. We all inherit his prideful nature, so we want to be admired and have our way. So like I said, even if your parents had been perfect, when they didn't worship you or let you have your way, you probably would have resented them, taken umbrage and looked to the world to admire and support your rebellion against your parents.

So now you know that others failed you--but you already know this. Now just realize that your mistake was resenting them and then chasing after them to get back what you lost.

Know now that you cannot get back what you lost from the world.

What you lost was a rapport with your inner ground of being that would have nourished your self. In order to regain your dignity, your self control, self worth, love and peace of mind, you must become still and stop your ever more frantic search for something out in the world.

You cannot find peace of mind in an alcohol bottle or a pill bottle. A renewed sense of purpose, joy and self control come from within.

You lost them by becoming resentful and then looking for external support and reassurance for your hateful and empty self.

If it was a failure of other people to love you properly--to be patient with you, to be there for you, and to gently correct your ego excessses-- that was the beginning of your downward slide, what is perpetuating it now is your failure to love.

And your failure to love is evident in your resentment and judgments toward others. The way to love others is to be patient with them. Learn to overlook offenses. Learn to see error without resenting the person for their error. Love by not hating. Love by not resenting. Love by being patient. You will then be able to be patient with yourself.

Just as permissiveness, drugs, perks and praise build up our ego and set us up for a fall; we then continue to deteriorate because of our resentment and hatred of those responsible. In other words, resentment, judgment and hatred feed your ego. Resentment and judgment are the booby prizes for the resentful loser.

The secret to your recovery lies in learning to give up resentment, and in refinding the objective state of mind you had long ago before your fall began.

You have probably heard the famous saying "let go and let God." For a person with a sincere attitude, our meditation (free to listen to and download) is the simple technology that teaches you how to refind objectivity. Now let me elaborate a bit on the topic of forgiveness

A willingness to forgive opens the door to emotional and spiritual recovery. Right now, your biggest problem is resentment. Resenting others and resenting yourself. Most of your negative emotions and the symptoms that are contributed to by negative emotions have their root in resentment.

We spend so much time as individuals and as a society dealing with symptoms. Millions and billions of hours and dollars are spent dealing with symptoms of people's failing to love and have understanding for each other. All the drug abuse, violence, divorce, broken homes, depression and suffering have their roots in a failure to find love and understanding. First when we resent those who didn't have patience and understanding for us when we were kids. Then we resent others, and then we resent ourselves. So now we come to the second half of the recovery equation: giving up resentment.

It would be nice if we had had parents who were filled with wisdom and grace in the first place. And it would have been nice if other people had understanding. If our parents or other authorities had had real love and patience, they might have gently corrected our ego needs and greeds. They would not have teased and challenged us to be ambitious. They would have protected our innocence, and given us space to grow to whom the Good Lord intended us to be. But alas, most of our parents and other authorities, though they may have done the best they could, did not have love and understanding themselves. They could not give what they did not have. When you realize this, it will help you forgive them for having failed you.

If your mom and dad were (or are) good people, then that is very good. If you nevertheless feel empty or unloved, it could be that you are resenting them for something. It is important to not resent your parents. Even if they made some mistakes, just don't resent them for it. Any feeling of emptiness is usually connected with resentment of someone. And the most important people not to resent are our parents.

Others failed us and we hated them for it. Then feeling empty and unloved because of our secret hostility and resentment, we looked for something to fill the emptiness. We looked to social approval, boyfriends, food, drugs, alcohol or marijuana to fill the emptiness. But others used us, the drugs betrayed us, and through getting the wrong kind of "love" were corrupted. So what is the answer?

It does not matter what others did to you, nor does it matter in what particular ways you failed in the past. What is important now is that you find objectivity--the ability to stand back and look at thoughts, emotions, and circumstances and see them objectively in the Light of Truth. Right now you are too caught up in struggling with your own problems and lost in emotions. You need objectivity.

Things are not as hopeless as they seem, but in order to realize the solution, you need the ability to stand back from the issue, the symptoms, and the struggle.

In brief, you need to get out of your emotions.

We all have access to the inner light. This inner Light is how we realize things without words. We call it intuition, common sense, or a gut level knowing. When we have such an insight, it is wordless. We just know or sense something. But what we don't realize is that the way we know is that we are seeing in the inner Light.

This inner Light is a wonderful thing, actually our most precious possession. It is not some far out mysterious thing. It is how we have common sense and intuition. It is how we realize. An animal cannot REALIZE but people can. We were all close to the light when we were little children. We knew things wordlessly. We loved and responded to what we saw was good and true, and when we saw injustice, we knew it without words. No one had to teach us, we just saw it. We were close to innocence and close to God.

But we fell away from what we wordlessly knew in our hearts when we became emotional and our ego began to look to the world to fulfill it. We doubted what we knew in our hearts, and we believed and followed others instead. They promised to fulfil our ego desires.

You see, not only is the Inner Light (what we know in our heart is right) the source of intuition and protection, but it is also the Source of all true creativity, fulfilment, inspiration, revelation, and love.

Now, the solution to all your problems lies in finding your way back to this inner Light and learning to relate to it properly.

Once you become friends with this wordless intuition (which now feels like conscience), you will have peace with God and the light will be a lamp unto your feet, providing private counsel and just in time guidance for the rest of your life.

Fortunately it is not difficult to find and relate to what we know in our hearts again. All that is needed is the right intent, coupled with and a little technical support on how to find and relate to intuition. The intent needed is a burning desire to know the truth and a willingness to admit our wrong when the truth reveals it.

The tech support we need is the proper meditation, such as the one we offer as a free download at the Center for Common Sense Counseling, which shows a person how to become still and observe thoughts and emotions without being caught up in them. It also shows you how to extend contact with intuition to the body, so that you inherit self control. Now, when you practice the simple meditation with the right intent you will calm down and become less reactive.

You will also discover a new patience with others and with yourself. As you calm down and become less reactive, the first things you will see in the Light of intuition is the truth about your wrongs. You will see your errors, and seeing them in the Light you are sorry. You experience a quiet sadness about what you see. You may have tears rolling down your cheeks. This is called repentance. You experience a sad glad.

You are sad about what you see, but you are glad to come clean. You are being repented in the Light. Seeing and mourning your wrongs, you stress the compassion of the spirit. And God extends His forgiveness.

After the brief pain, you feel shriven and clean. Joy returns and a quiet peace of mind. This process repeats itself many times over the days and weeks. Each time the pain is less, but the error being observed is more subtle. The turmoil and the writhing you are now currently experiencing in your being is because you are undoubtedly still trying to save yourself. You have been resenting what your conscience keeps trying to make you aware of. So you have conflict with conscience, and tension and writhing because you resent the Light for making you aware of your own wrong.

All you need do is stop trying to resist the Light. Instead let it rub your nose in your wrongs. Sure, it is a bit painful, but only briefly. Soon the sad refines into glad, and joy returns. Now, having experienced the touch of God and experiencing forgiveness, you can also forgive others. You see that they are just as lost as you have been. You see that they are victims too. When they were little no one had the right kind of love for them. No one was there to guide them properly.

You see that your parents were doing to you what was done to them. They could not help themselves any more than you have been able to stop yourself from hurting others. Your new found understanding makes it easy to have compassion and forgive. And when you forgive others, God extends His forgiveness to you. It was a lack of the right kind of love from others that you reacted to and which sent you on an erring course. It was your resentment of others that separated you from God's love from within. Now you will have have come full circle. You will have discovered God's love because of your willingness to know the truth and to forgive others.

Now you will be able to go out into the world, and instead of being a victim, you become a survivor and more than just in recovery. You become an overcomer. You become a child of God, and you extend a little light into an otherwise dark world. "Resist not evil. Overcome evil with good."

Additional Online and Library Educational Resources

We offer an outstanding array of free educational resources: articles, free audio, eBooks, and the meditation.
The most important resource that we have is the meditation, perhaps the only one a person may need to regain self control and become centered. Click on the Self Help Resources Tab at the top of the blog for links to the meditation and our other resources.
The second most important resource we have are my radio lectures and sermons. There is nothing like the spoken voice to convey meaning. I highly recommend you listen to some of the 30 minute recordings first. You can listen while you are looking over the written resources, or you can download them to listen to while you are driving, working around home or whatever.

Now, I am always somewhat hesitant to list other sites, books or blogs because I prefer you spend your time looking over my audio, books and articles. But, on the other hand, if I don't mention at least a few, you may not know where to look, especially if you are busy. Of course I have to say that whatever you hear or read at some other site or resource is the opinion of that author and not necessarily my own.

Secondly, you may be surprised to see that most of the resources I mention below are not Christian or religious. Mostly they are regular people who don't mention their religious beliefs or disbeliefs. They are psychiatric survivors, consumer advocates, and enlightened psychologists, writers, and psychiatrists.

Frankly, I have to say that when it comes to the mental health issues that many people are dealing with today, I have found the writings and audio of my fellow clergy or Christian counselors not terribly helpful. I'm not saying that helpful information is not there. I'm just saying that I haven't found it. And what I found was weak or confusing. What I found were chapter and verses and psychological jargon, usually with weak reassurances and obeisance to the chemical imbalance theory.

Don't get me wrong. I love the Scriptures and I believe that Christianity really does have the answers, but when I listen to or read the Christian speakers and writers, there is some sort of disconnect between their words and implementation. What they say sounds good and sounds scriptural, but the listeners and readers have a hard time applying what they hear to such real time issues as depression, anxiety disorder, ADHD, the issues of psychiatric meds, side effects, dependency, discontinuation syndrome, PTSD and various mental health diagnoses--issues that people are dealing with in the real world. So I had to look to others for down to earth practical information.

I only found one really helpful book from a Christian doctor, but it is a good one.

Will Medicine Stop the Pain? Finding God's Healing for depression, anxiety and other troubling emotions by Dr. Laura Hendrickson and Else Fitzpatrick.

It is a very good read for anyone, but Dr. Hendrickson devotes herself to addressing women's issues. She describes real live cases of women who had issues, began taking antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers, and what the results were. You get a Christian doctor's take on it all. It can be found at Amazon.com and you can preview many pages there for free. I found pages 205 and 206 to be an excellent description of side effects some people have described that it would be nice to avoid.

Here are some more relevant educational resources I have found

On Youtube, Dr. John Breeding PhD and psychologist. He has over 90 videos about mental health issues. No matter what your mental health issue or emotional issue is, Dr. Breeding will have a thoughtful and compassionate little video about it. His videos are very informative and he talks about good books to read too. Just enter John Bredding in the search box at Youtube.

Here for example is a two part video on depression
Here's a video of Dr. John Breeding talking to Anna Miller about bipolar

Here's a video of John Breeding talking about suicide, medication and PTSD in the news
These are just three examples of Dr. Breeding's videos. He has also written a couple books.

Dr. Peter Breggin has been writing about mental health issues and about psychiatric meds for many years. He is a psychiatrist and he has an informative website. He has written several books, such as Your Drug May Be Your Problem and his recent book Medication Madness - The Role of Psychiatric Drugs in Cases of Violence, Suicide and Crime. His books are available at Amazon.com and at most public libraries to check out for free.

Will Hall has an excellent radio program Madness Radio which can be heard on the Pacifica Network and listened to free online. He regularly interviews informed psychologists, psychiatrists, authors and survivors who have a positive enlightened point of view and helpful resources. A source of information about harm reduction.

Writer and researcher Robert Whitaker has written two books about the history of the treatment of psychiatric patients in America. His latest book is The Antidepressant Epidemic. Both of his books are excellent and are available at public libraries. He has also been interviewed extensively on the radio. His website is http://www.madinamerica.com/

A nice lady named Gianna Kali has an outstanding site called Beyond Meds. Her story and her dedication to helping others by sharing her story about her life on meds and her efforts to come off of meds is inspirational. Her site is continually updated with the latest news about drugs, meds, treatments, side effects, and so on. She also provides a huge number of links to other valuable resources. This is a good starting point for her references for alternatives to psychiatric meds.

Just recently Karel on KGO Radio in San Francisco had a guest on who talked about www.pointofreturn.org where she says there is a staff of doctors and other professional help with some resources and information about drug dependency.

Ann Blake Tracey is with the International Coalition for Drug Awareness and has lots of information and resources.

For college students, Dr. Joseph Glenmullen MD talks about his experiences treating college students for depression, anxiety and other symptoms. Dr. Glenmullen is Clinical Instructor in Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. His first book is Prozac Backlash, and his second book is The Antidepressant Solution: A step by step guide to safely overcoming antidepressant withdrawal, dependence, and addiction. His books are available at public libraries.

Below are Dr. John Breeding's 2 short videos about depression. Please, take a few moments to watch them. I like his compassion and common sense, and he is also very knowledgeable. This is an excellent introduction to the topic.

I hope that you will find some useful information and some avenues for further exploration, and hopefully some answers to your question in the information above. Incidentally, if you enjoyed Dr. John Breeding's videos, here is a link to his playlist on YouTube.

The information is not meant to be exhaustive. Nor can I vouch for anything you read in the resource material. I put them here as useful avenues for exploration and to become informed. Just some things that I have found interesting, helpful and useful. I believe that the online resources provide a baseline for anyone who wants to become more informed and educate themselves. It is also nice to know that there are compassionate, educated and enlightened people out there.

But once you get an idea of what the playing field is, I then want to state that I believe that the missing element in so much of today's "help" is God.

I believe that the answer is not Freud but Christ, not chemistry but spirituality.However, just talking about God or Christ or just studying religion, or even acting the role of a good person is not enough. Too much talk, study and acting can (and often does) interfere with the real thing by the guilt they cause. They cause guilt before conscience when they interfere with or substitute for a real encounter with the God of conscience.

It is said that religion is the last refuge of the scoundrel. I'm sure you know people who use relgion as a cover for their pride. But there are also many decent people who honestly want to live the good life and who unwittingly throw themselves into religious study and activity only to feel anxious or guilty. And they don't know where it is coming from.

Similarly, one man, for example, kept reaffirming that he was saved, but he didn't feel saved. He got so guilty for feeling like a fraud that he threw in the towel. I was able to show him that the words he said in a moment of emotion years ago were just that: youthful words in a moment of emotion.
It was a great relief to him to realize that he never really fell away because he hadn't really found it in the first place. Now he could set aside the artificial guilt (for thinking he had fallen away) and was free to earnestly seek to find what he had always yearned for.

The real thing begins with seeing for yourself what is true, re-trusting what you know in your heart, and then living from what you realize and know in your heart.
I would like to humbly but boldly suggest that the little meditation we have just might be the way to refind your spiritual roots and discover a natural self control that is not dependent on drugs or manipulating conditions. It's not for everyone, but for some it is a God-sent.

Celebrate life! Leave behind the baggage of the past, consisting of unforgiveness, hurt feelings and anger. Start anew and find joy and a life of purpose. Perhaps our meditation and some insights can help. .

Why Do I Get Upset All the Time and Stress over Everything

2011-08-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, board certified counselor, and author of 11 books. I've been helping people deal with stress and learn to overcome their emotional reactions for over 20 years. I've also been on the radio for 22 years.

What makes me different is that I do more than just talk and write. I have a special mindfulness meditation that helps people become centered and less reactive. I have made this meditation free to listen to and practice.

Talk To a Pastor Online: Visit Pastor Roland's Blog for Free Chat with a ...

2011-08-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: Visit Pastor Roland's Blog for Free Chat with a ...: "One of my favorite verses: 'This is the day which the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. ' Hi, this is Pastor Roland. I lov..."

Talk To a Pastor Online: Christian Books for Help with Stress

2011-08-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: Christian Books for Help with Stress: "We have some great self help books in paperback at Cafe Press . I don't mention them a lot, but I probably should because they contain som..."

I Get Upset with My Husband - Stress in Marriage

2011-07-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Josh and Kaitlin just had another big argument. This time the huge spat was over the toothpaste tube.

Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.

Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.

To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the window. But to Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, not so.

"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."

Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.

Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.

Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.

Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.

Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."

And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.

Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."

Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."

Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither is healthy.

Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.

I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement and all the other negative symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty.

Roland's practical solutions are based in understanding. "I describe the why of what is happening. I talk about men and women, about how they are different and about the common mistakes we make. Understanding is the answer. And when you become aware of what is really going on and see many good reasons for letting go of resentment, your new understanding will help you feel better and become more joyous and positive.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.

Another thing, says Roland. Many people know they are resentful and want to give it up, but don't know how. I know how, and I show you.

Other people think that being more forgiving means giving in for peace. But I can show you that it is resentment and guilty that makes you keep quite or give in now. I can show you how to let go of resentment, which frees you up to express yourself and speak up (without resentment).

What I teach should be common knowledge, but you can hardly get these insights anywhere else. Sure there are some good marriage and relationship programs or counseling. The seminar leaders, writer or counselor may be working with bits and pieces of the solution. But I have the whole and I put it all together. With others, you get some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, but I can give yo the complete picture.

It is not for everyone though. Some people just want to hang onto resentment and judgment. And as long as they are unwilling to give them up, they are not ready for understanding. But when they are ready, my teachings are a God sent.

New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at our Amazon.com eStore.

The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages of insights and solutions

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95

Preview and purchase at Kindle! and download to your kindle or mobile device for $9.95

Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device for $9.95. Save 33% off paperback

Got a budget? Want to help Pastor Roland? For a donation of $5.00 we will send you this 315 page book in pdf. as a token of our appreciation. Click here to look inside or donate to help Roland

Save 66% from paperback price

Visit my relationships blog for more relationship and marriage repair articles

How the Emotion of Resentment May Be Contributing to Upset, OCD, Anxiety, or Bipolar

2011-04-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

"Roland, I just wanted to drop you a line to thank you for your free meditation. I have always tended to get upset and then so lost in thinking about the day that I can't even sleep. I also have had anger issues that led to a divorce. I drank a lot of beer, but it only made things worse. Your meditation has helped me stand back and look at my feelings without wallowing in them. I'm not a Christian so when I saw that you are a pastor, I was sceptical. But I tried the meditation anyway, and all I can say is it is beautiful." Jason K.

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life’s little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids?

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like “exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient” describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride.

I know, times are tough. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said: “If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention.” There are indeed outrageous things happening. There are things that good citizens should pay attention to. . The problem is that most of us do not know how to pay attention without becoming upset by what we see. So we shut down. . But our most upset issues are with daily small irritations.

You've probably heard the expression "Don't sweat the small stuff." We know this is true, but the problem is we don't know how to not sweat the small stuff.

Here is the key. .
1. Learning to watch for and let go of resentment which sustains and reinforces our reaction. It was resentment that led to the very first reaction to a look alike situation long ago, and it is resentment that sustains it and reinforces it. The resentment must be let go of, whether it be resentment against the situation, the person, the first occurrence, oneself, or resentment against anything. . If you don't know how to get enough distance mentally to stand back and watch for the resentment, I can teach you how. (Read about the meditation now)

. < 2. As I will relate later, becoming upset is a way of life for most of us. So the second thing that must be learned is to practice going through life in a more detached way, as more of an observer. In my writings I can show you how and why this dispassionate state of mind and calm state way of living is based on principles of forgiveness and patience. . In fact, the reader will see that these principles correspond to beautiful religious or philosophical principles you may have heard and appreciated but never learned to to apply. .

The secret to regaining self control has to do with the timeless moment just before we react. . In that moment we have the freedom to make a choice between going with the resentment and all that follows, or to remain patient. Once we go ahead and resent or choose to indulge the judgment, then there is a due process that occurs, and the bodily stress responses take place, one after another. . 3. Some people do discover that their upset hinges on resentment, but they are unwilling to give it up. However, many people can understand where I'm coming from. They see their resentment and impatience and don't want to be that way, but don't know how to make the change. I can show you how.

Here at the Center For Common Sense Counseling I help people learn how to be aware without being upset. We all know that we need to calm down and be reasonable, but as soon as we react, we forget and lose control. It happens so fast. That is why our stillness meditation (which is free to listen to and download) is helpful.
In a nutshell, it shows you how to be still, and then carry a calm awareness out into your daily activities. armed with patience, you won't get caught unawares. And when the previously upsetting situation comes along, you can observe it instead of getting caught up in it. When you are aware, you will have understanding. And when you are not resentful in the first place, you won’t become upset and irritable in the second place. You will be patient with your loved ones.
Learn the secret of self control without painful repression and you will have it made in the shade. Find out more about the meditation .

Get the free meditation now . Read more about why we are upset

Preview Roland's new book Conquering Stress and its Symptoms online free

For a donation of any amount receive the ebook Becoming a Friend of God as our gift. Look inside

Why We Get Upset and How to Overcome Negative Emotions

2011-03-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

This is Pastor Roland. Many people are concerned about negative emotions. They have them and are seeking to cope with them and are looking for educational resources and solution strategies.

This article is divided into three sections.
First I talk about why we become upset in the first place (usually beginning in childhood) and how a proper meditation to learn how to calm down can help a person cope.

I put this article first because I believe that finding the key to self control is the most important thing each of us can discover. We are out of control, and regaining self sovereignty has so many benefits, among them a restored sense of dignity and self worth, living life on a more even keel, having more patience with others, and the restoration of hope when we discover that we really can cope with life's challenges and seek for the purpose of our life.

Next, I include a success story of someone who overcame depression, bipolar, anxiety and many other issues (such as overweight, smoking, and shyness) without drugs. It is Mike's story, told in his own words. It's a good read and inspirational.

Third, I list some online resources for further reading (starting with my own articles and blogs).

This post is a resource for you. It offers information and avenues for further exploration. Its purpose is to offer you some educational resources to help you in your search for answers. Obviously I do not know your individual circumstances, so I am just offering some general information.

Part One: Why We Became Negative and Emotional In the First Place and How to Regain Self Control

In a recent poll of teenagers, they were asked how they spend their time. Each category was given a percentage. Activities such as work, time spent on the internet, study, athletics, family, and entertainment were ranked. Time spent with family, of course, came way down on the list.

Then they were asked if they could make a change in how they spend their time, what change would they make?

The surprising result (but not so surprising to me) was that most teenagers, if they could make a change, wished they could spend more time with their family.

Despite a teen's silence, apparent nonchalance, resistance, or what they say--most teens would like to spend more time with their family. Parents--your kids need you. They don't need more socializing. There is plenty of that already. They don't need more education--they are already spending virtually their whole life, 9 to 3, ages 5 to 18 and beyond sitting in classrooms. They want to spend more time with you.

I was going to write a long article about love and understanding, but I already have plenty of books, articles, and audio that elucidate my thoughts on the importance of love and understanding. Plus the little story I just told is a powerful message to parents and everyone about how important love is.

So I won't write anymore about it today--My title says it all.
Patience, Love and Understanding Prevent Emotional Trauma

Parents - Read the title of this blog, ponder it, and have it in the back of your mind at all times.

And as a parent, caregiver, spouse, or coworker you may one day make the earth shaking realization that you don't really have much patience, love and understanding. What you have is impatience and resentment.

So if you notice that communication is not good, and this time instead of blaming, you suspect that you might be a part of the problem--don't try to deny it or do too much for the other to get rid of guilt.

Instead, ponder this revelation and seek to find patience and understanding. If you need some help, we have resources at our Common Sense Counseling Center.

We suffer from a disconnect with our Creator. We cannot give ourselves patience, we cannot give ourselves love, we cannot give ourselves joy. We need our Creator's love and approval.

Nor can we find understanding in books, on the internet, from a preacher, a counselor, or in a classroom. We need to find the state of mind where we can access God's understanding from within. This state of mind is called objectivity.

As long as you remain lost in thoughts, emotions, and study, you cannot find God's Presence and realize His point of view. You remain subjective.

Everything that I am trying to do on my radio program and in my books and blogs is awaken you to see that you are currently too lost in thinking and emotions. If you can learn to take a step back, and look at your issues objectively, you will inherit objectivity and the power to observe them without over reacting to what you see. You will realize patience--first with yourself, then with others. You will realize that you have been too lost in struggling with your own issues, trying to save yourself, and then dealing with symptoms. You will also inherit understanding about yourself and others.

You see, if you are like most people, what undoubtedly happened is that when you were a child someone failed to have love and patience for you. An impatient or bossy parent, a weak or violent dad who wasn't there for you are often the ones who failed to have the agape love that would have shielded you from the emotional teases of the world. A weak parent, or one who is overly permissive is just the other side of the coin of cruelty and impatience.

When dad wasn't there for you, you became subject to your mothers' tender mercies--and if she didn't spoil you or teach you to hate your father, then she was impatient or even cruel. Through father's failure, we became subject to the world. Your teasing naughty friends, the gang, the pressuring or doting teachers and coaches, the pharmaceuticals, the drug dealer, the music and the entertainment industry appealed to you. And they appeared to love you, from your egotistical perspective. You felt empty and needy, and they filled the need with false love.

Then when things started to go wrong, which was evidence of results of their kind of love, the counselors, the social workers, the pharmaceutical companies, the courts, the jail system all love us which their brand of worldly help.

Some of us turn to food, alcohol, or drugs to fill the emptiness. They appear to love you, but later you find you that they care also your betrayers.

Perhaps now you can see the wickedness of the weak father. He appears nice and wants to be every one's friend. He turns you over the school system, the peer culture, the sports culture, the entertainment culture and the pharmaceutical helpers. In essence he hands you over to the system to have its way with you. He turns over responsibility to mom and puts her in charge. And she then turns the kids over to the school, the medical matrix, the peer group and the pop culture.

So now you know how it was that you were emotionalized and externalized and traumatized. It was not your fault. Now you see where the world's love has brought you. But this is not an excuse to resent or hate your parents, the schools, the helpers, the peers, entertainers or anyone else. Sure they failed and betrayed you. But now you may still solve your problems, and it begins with dropping your resentments against them. When you see that they too were victims, that they were claimed at an early age, and that no one had true agape love for them, it will be easier to forgive them.

The other thing is that since we are all egos, we would undoubtedly have resented our parents, lined up for worldly perks, and become ambitious anyway. Remember the Garden of Eden story. Adam know God and could have lived forever in paradise. But he was tempted to be ambitious and failed. We all inherit his nature, so we want to be admired and have our way. And so even if your parents had been perfect, when they didn't worship you or let you have your way, you probably would have resented them, and then look to the world for love.

So now you know that others failed you--but you already knew this. Your mistake was resenting them and then chasing after them to get back what you lost.

So if a failure to be love properly was the beginning of your downward slide, what is perpetuating it now is your failure to love.

And your failure to love is embodied in your resentment and judgments toward others. Just as permissiveness, drugs, perks and praise build up our ego and set us up for a fall; we then continue to deteriorate by resenting and hating those responsible. In other words, resentment, judgment and hatred feed your ego. Resentment and judgment are the booby prizes for the resentful loser.

The secret to your recovery lies in learning to give up resentment, and in refinding the objective state of mind you had long ago before your fall began.

You have probably heard the famous saying "let go and let God." For a person with a sincere attitude, our meditation (free to listen to and download) is the simple technology that teaches you how to refind objectivity.

Now let me elaborate a bit on the second half of the title:

A willingness to forgive opens the door to emotional and spiritual recovery.

Right now, your biggest problem is resentment. Resenting others and resenting yourself. Most of your negative emotions and the symptoms that are contributed to by negative emotions have their root in resentment. Read the rest of the article

A Great Prayer for Starting the Day

2011-01-30T18:16:00.000-08:00

Father, we thank Thee for the night

And for the pleasant morning light

For reset and food and loving care

And all that makes the day so fair.

Help us to do the things we should

To others to be kind and good

In all we do and all we say

To grow more loving every day.

Amen

I read this somewhere, and it has become my prayer every morning. Please email me if you know who wrote it.

Online Pastor Adds Free Customer Service Chat to Help With Consultation and Ordering His Books

2011-01-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

Need some help dealing with stress, with emotions, calming down, and gaining self control?

Thinking about getting some feedback or advice online but still have some questions or concerns?

Roland has added LiveHelp --chat or email a customer service person. Click here and look for the chat link in the right column.

If your issue is about relationships: partner, wife, husband, family, or parents, then click here and look for the chat link.

Upset All the Time?

2010-12-07T18:23:00.000-08:00

New Dr. Roland Trujillo is now available for convenient online consultation via chat, email or telephone. Find out more at Talk To a Pastor Online

I know, times are tough. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said: “If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention.” There are indeed outrageous things happening. There are things that good citizens should pay attention to.
.
The problem is that most of us do not know how to pay attention without becoming upset by what we see. So we shut down.
.
But our most upset issues are with daily small irritations.

You've probably heard the expression "Don't sweat the small stuff." We know this is true, but the problem is we don't know how to not sweat the small stuff.

This is because we have literally conditioned ourselves to become irritated. And when the next little thing occurs, our body reacts.
.
A small irritant to which we have reacted can literally build to the point that we're ready to have an emotional meltdown over it. Moreover, we react and suppress our emotions all day long, so there is an accumulation of upset and tension leading us to explode in anger at a loved one or reach for the bottle.
.
Here is the key.
.
1. Learning to watch for and let go of resentment which sustains and reinforces our reaction. It was resentment that led to the very first reaction to a look alike situation long ago, and it is resentment that sustains it and reinforces it. The resentment must be let go of, whether it be resentment against the situation, the person, the first occurrence, oneself, or resentment against anything.
.
If you don't know how to get enough distance mentally to stand back and watch for the resentment, I can teach you how. (Read about the meditation now)
.
2. As I will relate later, becoming upset is a way of life for most of us. So the second thing that must be learned is to practice going through life in a more detached way, as more of an observer. In my writings I can show you how and why this dispassionate state of mind and calm state way of living is based on principles of forgiveness and patience.
.
In fact, the reader will see that these principles correspond to beautiful religious or philosophical principles you may have heard and appreciated but never learned to to apply.
.
3. Some people do discover that their upset hinges on resentment, but they are unwilling to give it up. However, many people can understand where I'm coming from. They see their resentment and impatience and don't want to be that way, but don't know how to make the change. I can show you how.
.
The secret to regaining self control has to do with the timeless moment just before we react.
.
In that moment we have the freedom to make a choice between going with the resentment and all that follows, or to remain patient. Once we go ahead and resent or choose to indulge the judgment, then there is a due process that occurs, and the bodily stress responses take place, one after another.
.
Here at the Center For Common Sense Counseling I help people learn how to be aware without being upset. We all know that we need to calm down and be reasonable, but as soon as we react, we forget and lose control. It happens so fast. That is why our stillness meditation (which is free to listen to and download) is helpful.
.
In a nutshell, it shows you how to be still, and then carry a calm awareness out into your daily activities. Pre-armed with patience, you won't get caught unawares. And when the previously upsetting situation comes along, you can observe it instead of getting caught up in it.
.
When you are aware, you will have understanding. And when you are not resentful in the first place, you won’t become upset and irritable in the second place. You will be patient with your loved ones.
.
Learn the secret of self control without painful repression and you will have it made in the shade.
.
Find out more about the meditation
.
Read more about why we are upset

Preview Roland's new book Conquering Stress and its Symptoms

Order the beautiful quality paperback edition of Conquering Stress and its Symptoms

For a donation of any amount receive the ebook Becoming a Friend of God as our gift. Look inside

Announcement - Roland is now available for online live chat, email and telephone consultation

Why an online pastor?

When you want to talk to a pastor but don't want the pastor to know who you are

or you want some feedback from the convenience of home.

I'm an ordained pastor and can provide useful and friendly answers 7 days a week
without judgement or pressure.

Sometimes feedback from a professional can be helpful. We all could use a little feedback and help from time to time.

Maybe you don't have a pastor, are between churches or you don't want to get involved with a church.
Maybe you are not a Christian or religious,
You just want some feed back from a pastor with no strings attached.
I provide nondenominational feedback without pressure or judgement.

The benefits

Save time - you don't have to travel

Convenient - email, chat or talk from the convenience of your home.

Anonymity - LivePerson does not share your name, phone or email address with me.

Get professional feedback

No organization to join or meetings to attend.

No strings attached.

Visit Pastor Roland's page now

What kind of issues can I get advice or feedback on?

Relationships, dating, courtship, marriage, reconciliation
Family issues--such as blended families, step parents, differing faiths--that you would like to talk to a pastor about.
Unhappiness, doubts and anxieties
Parenting with patience
Men's issues
Coping with stress
Coping with gossip and other mean things people do and say
Overcoming resentment and unforgiveness
Feelings of worthlessness
Feelings of inferiority or insecurity
Religious questions you've always wanted to ask a pastor
Maybe you just want a little feedback from a pastor's perspective on something that is bothering you.
Something you would like to ask a pastor but you don't want to join a church.
Maybe you just want to talk to a pastor but you don't want the pastor to know who you are

I've been around for over 20 years and I'm not going anywhere. I look forward to hearing from you. If you can't afford the suggested charge, then just email me. I'm sure we can work something out.

Visit Pastor Roland's page at LivePerson now. (if you want to chat but I've stepped away from my office, just send a free email and we can arrange a time).

As an added bonus, you get access to dozens of articles, hours of audio and books to read. All free. After your session, you can read and listen to helpful materials for free.

Why Pastor Roland

Roland is a good listener
Roland is a highly trained professional
with over 20 years experience
with an earned MS, PhD, and
Board Certification

Roland is friendly and positive.
His advice is down to earth.
Roland is not interested in arguing about dogma
He is interested in helping with real issues
Roland devotes himself to helping people on the internet
Roland is available 7 days a week
When you email or want to chat, you will be answered by Pastor Roland, not by some faceless telephone person
Roland enjoys helping people

Why LivePerson?

You want feedback from a professional.
LivePerson is an online community of experts and professional counselors.
You want to see that the credentials are verified
LivePerson has a third party verify the professional counselor's credentials.
You want to be able to give feedback
Live Person asks for your feedback.

You want to keep it anonymous.
LivePerson does not give your name, email address or phone number to the advisor you are communicating with.

The Solution:

Visit Pastor Roland's page at LivePerson now

How much does a session cost?

Free for your inquiry email; free for the first minute of live chat.
Then $2 for an email exchange.
50 cents a minute for live chat or telephone consultation.
A $2 detailed email response from pastor is about the same price as a loaf of bread.
50 cents a minute for live chat equals $7.50 for 15 minutes, about the same price as a music CD or a Big Mac, large order of fries and drink!
Remember, if you honestly can't afford the suggested amount, I will not turn away anyone who honestly cannot afford to pay anything and who has a sincere question. I will answer by email for free. Click here for more information.

But you still want to know why there is a charge for the service

Pastor Roland does not get a salary. He relies on donations,
but since no one is sending a donation,
he has to do something to try to make ends meet.
Roland does not have a church or building.
So every penny he gets buys air time, internet time and supplies.
Roland is the only senior pastor with over 20 years experience
and with an earned MS and PhD
who devotes himself full time to helping internet people.
This is a full time 7 day a week professional service.

Your gift helps Roland help others. The next person who comesw along that Roland helps for free will be grateful for your help.
Roland donates 20% of what he gets to needy shelters for people (and pets too).

I will not turn anyone away who has a sincere question and who honestly cannot afford the LivePerson charge. If you have a sincere question and cannot afford anything, click here and send me your question by email and I will answer it free.

Visit Pastor Roland's page at LivePerson now. (if you want to chat but I've stepped away from my office, just send a free email and we can arrange a time).

Now there is a real person and pastor--not just a faceless website--who makes himself available to people on the internet.

"There's a whole big world out there, says Pastor Roland, who has a PhD in Pastoral Psychology and who has 21 years experience helping people. For too long, people on the internet have been ignored or not taken seriously. There is a world of hurt out there, says Roland. People have needs, and many people just don't want to travel across town or get involved in some organization. Plus they want convenience.

Roland who has an earned MS and PhD and over 20 years experience helping people from all walks of life on his radio program, says that he has observed that if an internet person is given any personal attention at all, it is from some faceless person in a telephone bank who is looking for donations.

"I'm a real pastor who qualifies as a senior pastor. I think people on the internet deserve the best. Sure, many big churches put sermons on their website or offer reading materials, but when did you hear of the senior pastor devoting full time to internet people?

Another thing, says Roland. Many people are not "Christian" and many people don't go to church and don't want to go to church. But they are real people who have real questions about life, religion, and relationships. They just want some advice or some feedback from a pastor, that's all. That's why I'm here. Go to Pastor Roland's LivePerson page now

I hope this new service is a success, says Roland. I'll do my best. It just depends on whether people respond or not. "

"By the way," says Pastor Roland, "check out my blogs and free stuff in the right column. You will find dozens of articles, dozens of sermons, free books to read and more. All free."

Contact me now

How Not to Get Upset So Easily

2010-12-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

New Dr. Roland Trujillo is now available for convenient online consultation via chat, email or telephone. Find out more at Talk To a Pastor Online

I know, times are tough. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said: “If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention.” There are indeed outrageous things happening. There are things that good citizens should pay attention to.
.
The problem is that most of us do not know how to pay attention without becoming upset by what we see. So we shut down.
.
But our most upset issues are with daily small irritations.

You've probably heard the expression "Don't sweat the small stuff." We know this is true, but the problem is we don't know how to not sweat the small stuff.

This is because we have literally conditioned ourselves to become irritated. And when the next little thing occurs, our body reacts.
.
A small irritant to which we have reacted can literally build to the point that we're ready to have an emotional meltdown over it. Moreover, we react and suppress our emotions all day long, so there is an accumulation of upset and tension leading us to explode in anger at a loved one or reach for the bottle.
.
Here is the key.
.
1. Learning to watch for and let go of resentment which sustains and reinforces our reaction. It was resentment that led to the very first reaction to a look alike situation long ago, and it is resentment that sustains it and reinforces it. The resentment must be let go of, whether it be resentment against the situation, the person, the first occurrence, oneself, or resentment against anything.
.
If you don't know how to get enough distance mentally to stand back and watch for the resentment, I can teach you how. (Read about the meditation now)
.
2. As I will relate later, becoming upset is a way of life for most of us. So the second thing that must be learned is to practice going through life in a more detached way, as more of an observer. In my writings I can show you how and why this dispassionate state of mind and calm state way of living is based on principles of forgiveness and patience.
.
In fact, the reader will see that these principles correspond to beautiful religious or philosophical principles you may have heard and appreciated but never learned to to apply.
.
3. Some people do discover that their upset hinges on resentment, but they are unwilling to give it up. However, many people can understand where I'm coming from. They see their resentment and impatience and don't want to be that way, but don't know how to make the change. I can show you how.
.
The secret to regaining self control has to do with the timeless moment just before we react.
.
In that moment we have the freedom to make a choice between going with the resentment and all that follows, or to remain patient. Once we go ahead and resent or choose to indulge the judgment, then there is a due process that occurs, and the bodily stress responses take place, one after another.
.
Here at the Center For Common Sense Counseling I help people learn how to be aware without being upset. We all know that we need to calm down and be reasonable, but as soon as we react, we forget and lose control. It happens so fast. That is why our stillness meditation (which is free to listen to and download) is helpful.
.
In a nutshell, it shows you how to be still, and then carry a calm awareness out into your daily activities. Pre-armed with patience, you won't get caught unawares. And when the previously upsetting situation comes along, you can observe it instead of getting caught up in it.
.
When you are aware, you will have understanding. And when you are not resentful in the first place, you won’t become upset and irritable in the second place. You will be patient with your loved ones.
.
Learn the secret of self control without painful repression and you will have it made in the shade.
.
Find out more about the meditation
.
Get the free meditation now
.
Read more about why we are upset

..

Preview Roland's new book Conquering Stress and its Symptoms online free

For a donation of any amount receive the ebook Becoming a Friend of God as our gift. Look inside

Take a Look - New Talk to a Pastor Online Available Now

2010-11-27T12:23:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, CA November 27, 2010 (For Immediate Release). Pastor announces new online talk to a pastor site. He states: "I see a need for an online way of contacting a pastor. This Talk to a Pastor site lets you email the pastor, or even talk to him from the comfort of your home without having to travel across town. "

"It's very user friendly and convenient. Since we use LivePerson, a community of online helpers, you don't even have to reveal who you are. I don't know who you are but I can answer your sincere question. So it's a win win situation. "

Dr. Roland Trujillo, an ordained nondenominational minister, is excited about the new service, but says its success will depend on whether people respond or not. Many people have been turned off to religion because they have been pressured to join something or adopt some doctrine. Others have sincere questions, but want to remain anonymous and don't want to get involved with some group.

"I think my service may be helpful, because you don't have to join and you can remain anonymous to me."

When asked how it works, Dr. Trujillo said, "I am using LivePerson, a community of online helpers. LivePerson provides the email, chat and telephone service, and serves as a neutral provider. This means that I don't have to deal with logistics. All I have to do is receive an email from someone anonymously through LivePerson, and then I respond to it."

"LivePerson does charge something for their service, but I have set the charge as low as I possible can," says Dr. Trujillo. "Fortunately, LivePerson gives me some latitude as far as what the charge is. For example, I made it a suggested amount of $5 to receive a detailed email response from me. When a person has a question, they go to LivePerson and ask the question. They also can say what they can afford. They don't have to pay anything to ask the question.

If it is a question I can answer, I propose an amount and send the answer. Only if they agree to get the answer, will they pay the small charge."

"The best part is that I have the freedom to make the charge small or even zero if they honestly can't afford anything."

When asked what the biggest obstacle to overcome, Dr. Trujillo says "there are two. First is weeding out the frivolous or practical joke questions. That's why I use LivePerson, which does the screening."

"The second issue has to do with the charge. Some people immediately judge me because of the small charge (which I often make little or zero). They transfer their resentment toward some authority (with whom they have had bad experiences) to me. "

Dr. Trujillo says: "They forget that almost all ministers have a church from which they get a salary. Priests get free food and housing. Even missionaries get support from the home church or get food items from people they help. Since I have no church and don't belong to an organization, I get nothing."

I don't begrudge ministers getting a livable wage. A doctor helps people in pain and he gets paid. A dentist helps people and he or she gets paid. The laborer is worthy of his hire, St. Paul said.

All I'm saying is that if they judge me, they are judging me without a cause, since I get nothing and give almost everything away (and will answer a question for free if the person honestly cannot afford anything)."

When asked whether he has any other resources available, Dr. Trujillo says: "Yes, maybe this is the best part. Through the portal of Talk to a Pastor, the visitor can access dozens of free audio sermons, scores of blogposts and articles, a free meditation, and even some of my books to read free online."

Dr. Trujillo says he is realistic and will wait and see how it goes. But "at least I'm trying he says."
.
Talk to a Pastor Online can be accessed at http//talktoapastoronline.blogspot.com.

How Do I Calm Down Without Drugs

2010-09-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

I always heard and read that golf was like 70 or 80% mental. I'm sure you have heard the same thing--that the mental game is most important--for some individual sport you are interested in, like tennis, darts, bowling, even gymnastics.

It was an old bromide that you hear all the time, but I never really believed it. Just like when we were teenagers and our parents gave us advice. We heard it but didn't really believe it until years later when we suddenly said "ah now I see what my parents meant."

I was sure that golf was mostly technique, swing, putting stroke and so on. But all of a sudden, a couple of weeks ago, I finally really saw that golf is mainly mental.

Somebody once wrote a book which I think was entitled golf is like life. Well, if that is true, then it means that life is mostly about the mental game.

Some people might think that life success has to do with getting good breaks, education, money, luck, knowing the right people, networking, or eating the right diet.

But any of us who has experienced shock, depression, obsessive thoughts, compulsions, or disabling anxiety knows that a bout of depression, a dominating morbid thought, or strong anxieties can ruin your day. One "good" bout of depression can wipe out all the benefits of lucky breaks, a good job, lots of money, or being trim.

Life really does come down to a mental-emotional game. Now I am going to share with you something really profound and beautiful. You won't hear this anywhere else.

Life cannot be manipulated without causing lots of damage. Those of you who have been around for awhile and have gained some wisdom from your experiences will have discovered that when you manipulate others, it backfires. Blessed is the partner or parent who discovers this early on and stops trying to manipulate and control others.

But some of us are willful, and we keep doing it. Yes, we may fool others for awhile (but we develop contempt for the innocent or naive ones who fall for us). Mostly, others pick up on the manipulations and either rebel or learn to out manipulate the manipulator.

Manipulation does not work. Those who are clever and charming, good at playing the "poor me" role, or skilled motivators seem to be successful. They may get away with it for years (mostly by keeping moving on from one victim or set of victims to another). But the devastation to their soul, their kids, their marriage, their followers or clients leaves a trail of destruction.

There is peace of mind, joy, and true success in modesty, honesty, sincerity, transparency, gentleness, and integrity. Again, this is what we have all heard, and we may or may not really believe it. Perhaps it is easier to understand the obverse, which is that manipulation results in guilt, frustration, destruction of character and failure as a human being.

There is a premium on sincerity. It is something that cannot be manipulated. You cannot make yourself sincere. You can pretend to be sincere, but it is still pretense. And seeing our own pretense, we can then put on a show of remorse and disclose our pretense (like the parade of Hollywood types who confess everything on television talk shows), but it is still a show for public consumption. There is a secret agenda, in other words.

Now here is the beautiful thing. There is a good karma that attends goodwill on the one hand, and a bad karma that attends manipulation on the other. There is a good karma that attends sincerity and a bad karma for pretense.

What is so beautiful about this is that it is a proof that God is good and that He has integrity. He has made something that is pure and which cannot be manufactured. He also reveals that He loves sincerity, truthfulness, honesty and fair dealing. You cannot fool God.

We said that the good life does not come by manipulation. When we try to manipulate good results, it ends up backfiring. The same thing applies to our emotions. Let me explain.

We said that a bout of depression can take away the benefits of any other good things going on. It is emotions--anger, hurt feelings, frustration, resentment, bitterness, self loathing, fear, and so on--that put a dark cloud over our mind and life. When we discover that these negative emotions are making us miserable, we try to control them.

We try to control our emotions, but it's like closing the barn door after the horse has already escaped. We try suppressing. We try self medicating (like with alcohol) or even using illegal drugs or marijuana. We try thinking nice rosy thoughts, or meditating on some sound or image. We might try using religion to control our emotions. Maybe we vent our emotions on someone (which is not fair to them and only contributes to our growing guilt). Or we might try talking about our issues with someone, but often talking about our grievances only seems to strengthen and reinforce them.

Finally we might resort to trying to control our emotions with prescription meds.

But the law of life applies to our emotions too. When we try to manipulate our emotions by venting, suppressing, or medicating them, our manipulation backfire.

The emotion might reappear as a sickness or the meds might result in another set of emotions. We might develop side effects and become addicted to boot. We end up with less control and more problems. If they succeed in quieting us, we grow apathetic and slow down.

Why are we never better off? Because we want to feel better without really being better people.

Our efforts to give ourselves peace of mind or a good nature fail, leading to more frustration. Our efforts to manipulate emotions are doomed to backfire because our efforts are insincere. We do not really want to be better people, we want to feel better. Moreover, we are seeking to give ourselves peace and bypass our Creator Who may have something for us to see and learn about ourselves before our symptom is taken away.

However, for the pure in heart, discovering that their clumsy efforts to control their emotions and attempts to manipulate moods has made them worse off, if seen and acknowledged without resentment, can be a positive thing. The person discovers that truth and reality have integrity and that we cannot manipulate our way to true peace of mind and joy by any manufactured or insincere way.

Christ had something to say about this when He spoke of those who try to enter the sheepfold (the blessed, Heavenly state of mind) through some other route than the narrow way will be thrown out. “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door, but climbs up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber." John 10:1

Basically many of us (until we learn our lesson) want to find peace apart from God. This false peace can only lead to more guilt and frustration and bleakness. Can you see why?

We cannot give ourselves peace of mind. True peace of mind and joy are gifts from God to the person who welcomes and acknowledges truth and who is patient (not resentful toward) others.

When we make some goal more important than what is right, and when we grow impatient and resentful toward our fellow humans, we will not have God's approval. Instead of joy and noble and beautiful thoughts coming to mind from abiding in the good graces of God, there is a vacuum. And when we are ambitious or resentful, it is an aspiring vacuum. And into this aspiring vacuum flow the hellish and tormenting thoughts that originate in hell.

Furthermore the actual state of the soul, being empty and guilty (for playing and avoiding God) is negative, and this will attract negative thoughts and notions that correspond to the negative state of the soul. We fear falling because we are falling. We feel blame and self condemnation because our soul is guilty. If we project this blame onto others, we condemn them and then may come to fear them (as in paranoia).

For example, our guilt for resenting our mom might attract negative thoughts that something bad might happen to her. When negative thoughts of bad things happening (to our mom, for example) arise, we try to counter them with some ritual or compulsive act. We can become enslaved to these ineffective rituals and mind games. All we have to do is see that the thoughts are only there because we resent our mom. Then all we have to do is drop our resentment (our secret hostility was the cause of our morbid state due to guilt) and then just quietly watch the thoughts until they go away.

So what is to be done? If we can't live with our negative thoughts and emotions, but at the same time we see that our insincere efforts to make ourselves happy fail, then what? The answer is so simple that we miss it. The answer is to regret the way you are. This is similar to but different than throwing in the towel.

In this case, you see that you are helpless to make yourself good. You don't want to go on being resentful or selfishly self preoccupied, but you also realize that you can't change yourself. Simply see the truth. Regret what you see about yourself. See that you are helpless, without resenting it. That's all.

When your helpless cry is sincere, God will hear your cry and come to your aid.

If you have been able to follow me and can see that what I am saying is true, your recovery has already begun. Perhaps now, these chastening insights will permit you to meditate using our simple stillness meditation. It will help you calm down naturally and help you locate your intuition.

You will be able to let go and let God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22 and 23.

How to Calm Down

2010-07-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

Emotions betray us. When a person is in an extreme state, they are in the grips of extreme emotion. The anxiety, the rage, the fear, the hopelessness and depression open the door to very negative thoughts, thoughts which torment us and increase our distress.

It is very easy to believe a wrong idea when in the grips of emotion. A very angry and resentful wife can receive a wrong number phone call with a female voice and then begin to believe that her husband is cheating on her and that it was his lover who called.

While in the grips of emotion, we can listen to something that says to us that we are "no good and that the world would be better without us." It is emotion (or drugs)that opens the door to these voices.

Of course, euphoric feelings can help us think that we are wonderful and that everything is okay (when it isn't). But this lie soon begins to break down and we crash in a set of dark negative emotions.

Basically, emotions are best kept under control because under their influence we can be made to believe and follow wrong advice. If you listen to the advertiser and the salesman, you might get very excited to buy something. Later you wonder why you wasted your money.

Yes, there are innocent and noble emotions: a child's laughter, their innocent delight, the noble feelings inspired by great music, the respect we have for a noble person, or the tender love we feel for our child or spouse. There is the joy of discover and the quiet satisfaction of a job well done.

These noble emotions do not lend themselves to foolish thoughts and actions. If anything, the noble emotions are chastening and humbling--we feel reverence and respect for the good.

But the ignoble emotions of greed, ambition, resentment, and hate attract very wrong ideas.
And the emotions of fear, dread, anxiety and hurt feelings can diminish and paralyze us from a life of zestful purpose.

There was a Latin expression: mens sana in corpore sano. A sound mind in a sound body.
We must find this dual good. We must detoxify our body and give it good nutrients.

We must learn the laws of the mind and discover the simple way of protecting it via a change of attitude, awareness of spiritual principles and practicing the meditation that helps us implement them.

Many of us are in a bad place. We are distressed. We've been eating wrong, we're on a host of medications. We would like to return to the joy, zest, spontaneity, creativity and hope we once knew as a little child or young person before something went wrong and things started to go from bad to worse.

While I'm on the topic, let me just mention that even crime or drug abuse was not our original idea. None of us started off wanting to become an addict, be in a gang, mess up our relationships, and commit crimes. We fell under wrong influences. But how did we fall under wrong influences?
Negative emotions. How did we start to think of self destructive behaviors? Negative emotions.

The answer is not to become a zombie or drink or drug oneself into having no feelings. Nor is the answer to try to suppress any negative emotions. Nor is the answer to struggle with negative thoughts.

The answer is a two part answer.

First you must learn how to meditate properly so that you can rise above the emotion and the negative thoughts and calmly observe them. By meditating properly you become re-grounded to your intuition. You become re-centered and connected to the inner Light. When you were a little child you were close to this light. In it you saw and knew things. For example, when you saw injustice, you just knew it was injustice. No one had to teach you this, you knew it in your heart, and you knew it in this wordless inner light.

But when you became emotionalized, resentful or ambitious, you fell away from this Light. It was still there, but it became less and less of a cogent force in your life. You fell into the imagination, into wanting things and scheming how to get them, and into worrying about outcomes. Having lost touch with your intuition, and doubting it, you began to look to others to guide you.

The Light has never left you but you became lost in the imagination. However, you still have remained at least dimly aware of the presence of the inner light in the following ways.

At times and places you may have felt it delicately restraining you from doing something wrong.

Perhaps you may have laid on the grass looking at the stars, and you had a delicate sense that there was something for you to know. You wondered what it was, but it was just beyond your reach. You were not yet ready to abandon ambition and things you wanted too much, nor were you willing to let go of your willfulness.

But for the most part, the way we know of the presence of the inner light is through the action of conscience. You see, conscience is awareness of error. When you were Innocent, the Light was a quiet presence you were not conscious of. You only became aware of it if it became stronger when danger was near and it quietly restrained you from being led into danger. And you became aware of it when it made you feel bad when you did something wrong, like getting angry and hating your mom or dad.

Now, lost in the imagination and powerful emotions, and lost in the hypnotic effect that people, places and things you have reacted to have on you--you are only dimly aware of the inner Light. Perhaps you sense its presence as anxiety when the effect that people, places and substances have on you begins to weaken and reality begins to dawn. No longer a friend of reality because of the pain of awareness of failure it brings, we know intuition only as conscience or anxiety.

As I said, the solution is a two part answer. First you must learn how to meditate properly so that you can rise above the emotion and the negative thoughts and calmly observe them. You must once again become a friend of intuition. You must learn how to locate it, sit still for it, and bear the brief pain and anxiety it brings as it shows you how things really are. You must be willing to abandon your refuge in drugs, imagination, and distractions.

You have always shied away from intuition (which now feels like anxiety or conscience) and escaped into the distracting presence of others, into things, and into emotions or drugs. You found comfort in escape from the Light, but you became a slave of what you used to escape into.

Now, with the help of meditation, you must learn to lean the other way. You must lean into the brief pain and anxiety that intuition (conscience) brings. You must wean yourself from outside supports, and learn to find refuge in the Creator within.

When you become a friend of conscience, you will become a little distant to people, places and circumstances. You will still notice cruelty or problems on the outside, but you won't be so affected by them. Restabilized and now once again restored to a rapport with God's Light, you will also be able to get back in touch with your natural emotions. No longer will you need to compensate for the pain that people and events have had on you by withdrawing or becoming numb. Now you will be able to be in the world but not of the world.

You must also learn to observe what is wrong with you without reacting emotionally to it. Right now you have two sets of emotions. The first is your reaction to people, places and things that remind you of traumatic events from the past. And the second is a secondary reaction (of resentment or anxiety) upon observing the first reaction.

Because you have been lost so long, you need a little help. You need to meditate.

Secondly, you need to see what is wrong with you in the clear Light of Truth. This Light of Truth is your intuition. It is wordless. It is a quiet knowing. You've always had intuition. You were close to it as a child. But you fell away from it when you were emotionalized. People upset you and you fell into the imagination, where you got lost.

It speaks in the Bible of the Light. In fact, if you close your eyes and look from within at the inside of your eyelids, you will see a little light. This light is from God.

If you learn to meditate properly, you will simply learn to sit still and observe thoughts in this light. You will see that the tormenting thoughts are just thoughts. Empty useless thoughts. You need follow them no longer. Do not believe them or disbelieve them. Do not struggle with them. Do not answer back or argue with them. Just stand back and observe them calmly from the neutral place.

Just as you can sit in a room with the TV blaring with a bad move on it and be aware that the bad old movie is on, but not get involved in it. It is no longer credible.

Likewise these thoughts have always lied to you. They comforted you in your vain pretense, and then tormented you. Now in the Light of Truth, you will see that they are no longer credible.

By practicing the meditation, you will be able to stand back and observe them. When you stand back and observe them in the Light, your discomfort may temporarily increase. Silently cry out to God.

The voices will try to torment you back into struggling with them or doing their bidding. They do not want you to meditate and they do not want you to quietly inquire of God. Know now that evil forces become alarmed when they see that you are no longer seeking to deal with them on your own but now silently inquire of God.

They may use the trick of laying low for awhile, pretending to not be there. Evil spirits will also masquerade as good guys, or some of them may play good guy and others bad guy. It says in the Bible that the devil may appear as a ministering angel of light.

They may try to talk to you in your own voice or use scripture to make you think they are good or to confuse you. Just watch all the tricks they play without responding. Continue to meditate, and do not get involved. Also notice how in the past you used them for their distraction value. Watch out for this.

Just be aware at all times and you will be safe.

The Light in which you now stand will deal with them. Soon the door will close on the dark forces. Evil cannot exist in the presence of the Light. These voices and forces have no power over you, except for the power you give them through struggle or use of them.

Your desire to discover the reason for your existence and your willingness to forgive others permits you to now become subject to God and His Light of Truth.

As I said, when you were a little child you were close to the light, but when you became upset, you fell away from it. You became angry and ambitious, and you wanted to be liked by the world, and so you began to ignore your intuition. When you did, it began to feel like conscience. And you avoided conscience because it made you feel bad.

But now you know that conscience is not your enemy. It is your friend. If you wish to know what is true and do what is right, you become a friend of conscience, and you become subject to God.

You see, when you were prideful, you did not want to be subject to anyone, especially conscience. But look at what happened. By defecting from God and the inner light of conscience, you became subject and an abject slave of forces and powers and authorities that lorded it over you from within and without.

Now you have learned your lesson. Now chastened, you are ready to discover of God and His right way.

I began by talking about emotion, and how certain emotions diminish us and make us suggestible and subject to wrong ideas.

Perhaps now you can see that one of the worst emotions of all is resentment. This little and subtle emotion is more than likely the mechanism of all your troubles. Resentment, you see, is hatred. And hatred is a forbidden emotion. It separates you from love and it separates you from God.

At this point you probably have very little control over various emotions, but there is one that you do have control over: resentment. In each new moment in the now present, you can choose to resent, or you can choose to let it go.

Admittedly you were probably given ample reason to resent. You were tempted to resent your unloved mother, your violent or weak father, the cruel bullies, and the heartless authorities. You resented those who used you, and you probably resented yourself.

Begin now to recover, to make the return trip to innocence and joy. Give up resentment, beginning with resentment against your mother and father, and then anyone else who hurt or disappointed you along the way. Realize that they too had been hurt and emotionalized, they too had become victims and were now doing unto others what was done to them.

No one loved them, no one could show them the way.

You may even be able to help them one day. But for now begin by forgiving. Begin by learning to sit still and come before the Light.

The secret to regaining self control has to do with the timeless moment just before we react. In that moment we have the freedom to make a choice between going with the resentment and all that follows, or to remain patient. Once we go ahead and resent or choose to indulge resentment producing judgment, then there is a due process that occurs, and the bodily stress responses take place, one after another.

We all know that we need to calm down and be reasonable, but as soon as we react, we forget and lose control. It happens so fast. That is why stillness meditation (which helps us be centered and calm) is helpful.

In a nutshell, meditation helps you to be still and then carry a calm awareness out into your daily activities. Pre-armed with patience, you won't get caught unawares. And when the previously upsetting situation comes along, you can observe it instead of resenting and then getting caught up in it.

When you are not resentful in the first place, you are less likely to become upset and irritable in the second place. You will have a greater capacity to be patient with your loved ones.

Read more about resentment

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Why Do I Get Upset All the Time?

2010-01-18T11:52:00.000-08:00

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like “exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient” describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride.

You've probably heard the expression "Don't sweat the small stuff." We know this is true, but the problem is we don't know how to not sweat the small stuff.

Here is the key. .

2. As I will relate later, becoming upset is a way of life for most of us. So the second thing that must be learned is to practice going through life in a more detached way, as more of an observer. In my writings I can show you how and why this dispassionate state of mind and calm state way of living is based on principles of forgiveness and patience. . In fact, the reader will see that these principles correspond to beautiful religious or philosophical principles you may have heard and appreciated but never learned to to apply. .

3. Some people do discover that their upset hinges on resentment, but they are unwilling to give it up. However, many people can understand where I'm coming from. They see their resentment and impatience and don't want to be that way, but don't know how to make the change. I can show you how. .

Here at the Center For Common Sense Counseling I help people learn how to be aware without being upset. We all know that we need to calm down and be reasonable, but as soon as we react, we forget and lose control. It happens so fast. That is why our stillness meditation (which is free to listen to and download) is helpful. .

In a nutshell, it shows you how to be still, and then carry a calm awareness out into your daily activities. Pre-armed with patience, you won't get caught unawares. And when the previously upsetting situation comes along, you can observe it instead of getting caught up in it. . When you are aware, you will have understanding. And when you are not resentful in the first place, you won’t become upset and irritable in the second place. You will be patient with your loved ones. .

Learn the secret of self control without painful repression and you will have it made in the shade. .

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I Get Upset All the Time

2009-12-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

Why do people get upset all the time?

First, being upset is a way of life for us. It supports our ego. If we didn't have something to be upset over, we would become bored and wouldn't even have motivation to do anything.

Most of us are motivated by upset, irritation, or pressure. We even use upset as a spur to activity. We then use the energy of resentment and anger to get a lot done.

And after we have been upset, and then fatigued and tense, we use it as an excuse to "unwind."

We look forward to our after-work drink, our marijuana, pleasure or party. We become thirstier and hungrier when we are upset. Pleasure feels better when it takes away pain.

But if you were not upset, nervous, or tense in the first place, you would not need relief. Unnecessary pleasure or releases would feel unnatural.

Billions of dollars a year are made on people's needs for pills, booze, drugs, vacations, and diversions. It's big business. Not to mention all the doctor bills and hospital bills when our excessive upsets and unnatural forms of relief catch up to us physically.

So now you know: most people have never really questioned whether life might be possible without being upset, nervous irritated and angry. Their mom got upset, their dad was angry (or suppressed his anger). So they learned to be angry and upset. No one taught them how to deal with outrage and injustice without becoming upset. So that is the only way they know how to be.

But once we have become upset, the only "remedy" is the pursuit of pleasure or tension relief.

And when even these become painful or cause negative symptoms, we turn to the artificial removal of symptoms via drugs, meds or distraction.

The second reason why we are upset all the time is this: Most of us think we have a right to be upset.

We think we have the right to judge and the right to resent. Upset adds an edge to our judgment and resentment. When you resent someone in line ahead of you for being slow, you can then "feel" that judgment as irritation. When your kids want something when you are trying to "unwind" after work, you resent their demands, become impatient, and then feel the resentment.

When your husband doesn't meet your needs, you can secretly resent him and judge his weaknesses. You can feel the upset (or the headache), and then get another round of ego boost by resenting him for "causing" your discomfort. Then your ego can get yet another ego high by feeling like a martyr, giving your service to an unappreciative good for nothing husband.

Since we think we have a right to resent and judge, and since we use our upset for our ego and for intensification of pleasure, most of us do not want to give it up. Our whole life is built on upset.

It is only when our upsets lead to health problems, headaches, ulcers, ruined relationships, or addictions, that we are stopped short in our tracks and then see the need to give it up.

Some people just won't give up what is killing them. They go on reveling in irritations and secret hostility, and then pay the piper.

But there are some, and perhaps you are one of them, who don't like the way they are. They don't like their secret judgments. They see their anger and don't like it. They yearn to be kind and patient. They yearn to live the good life. But after years of over-reacting, they don't know how to stop reacting and being upset.

That's where someone like me can help. I know what you need. You need two things. First, how to be still. That's what our stillness meditation is for. It teaches you how to become still and re-find your center of dignity. When you re-find your own center of dignity, you will be able to flow from within; instead of reacting to externals and becoming upset.

Secondly, you need some basic training about life. You probably learned to become upset and emotional over things when you were a child. Chances are---your mother was emotional and you picked it up from her. Most likely your dad was weak or a nonfactor. Dads are supposed to represent calmness and self control, and demonstrate how to live life with patience and courage without suppressing on the one hand or being angry on the other.

Few people nowadays are there to stand for calmness and composure. Mostly everyone encourages us to get excited, party, be ambitious, yell at sports events, and so on.

Maybe you had good parents, grandparents, a good teacher, coach, or minister who talked about self control, forgiveness, and taking things in stride. But you didn't listen. You got together with your friends and partyed.

But now, years later, and suffering from your excesses, you are ready to listen.

Check out our free version of the meditation and, if you care to, begin to practice it. Visit our homepage and click on our various blogs and read some of the articles. If your intent is sincere and you are ready, the meditation and the principles I remind you of will make a world of difference in your life.

If you have a question or would like a brief consultation, call me now at ingenio.

The first three minutes are free at ingenio!

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Listen to the Free Introductory Meditation now

Spiritual Meditation For Post Traumatic Stress

2009-11-15T16:38:00.000-08:00

Editor's note: This is an introductory abbreviated version of a chapter in Roland's new book BECOMING A FRIEND OF GOD. The complete chapter is one of the most important and comprehensive discussions of the spiritual basis of post traumatic stress.

First some basics. A famous and well known questionnaire was created to assess the impact of various events--such as death of a spouse, change in living conditions, getting married, getting divorced, losing a job, starting a new job, etc. The person is asked to check off which ones he or she has recently experienced and then add up a score. The higher the score, the more stress the person may be under.

What is interesting to me is how many, if not all of these stressful situations, are changes. It appears that change itself is stressful. A change in jobs. A change in homes. A change in living arrangements. A change in lifestyle (adjusting to the loss of a loved one, for example). A change in locale.

It may be interesting or even fun (though not necessarily) to go on a trip, move to a new apartment, get married, or change jobs--but for the average person, there is also stress involved.

So now let's look at the biggest change that occurred to the human race: the fall in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve went from being in Paradise to a living hell. They went from living forever to dying. They went from having God's approval to getting His disapproval.

Call it a myth if you will, but before you are done reading this article your eyes may be opened to see the truth of it and the evidence all around you.

In our own lives, many of us will never go to a war zone, though some of us will. But we may experience somewhere along the way theft, mugging, attempted rape, racism, prejudice, betrayal or unfairness.

Do you see why these are so potentially stressful? They often involve a big change. A change from faith to doubt, and from love to hate. A change from living in an orderly trusted world to one of chaos, mayhem, fear, and insecurity. From a world that makes sense to one that doesn't. From a world of being loved to one of being used.

Do you see that your own personal change for the worse is Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden redux. You are undergoing a negative turn of events just as Adam and Eve did. When you were a child, when you loved your mom and dad, when you were not resentful, and when you trusted in providence; when every morning you leapt from bed full of joy to a day of discovery--it was like being in Paradise. Then when you fell to hate, resentment, anger, rage, bitterness, doubt, and distrust--it was like entering hell.

Understand this--the cruelty, betrayal, mayhem and confusion you see all around you are designed to tempt you to fall. They are both the result of the fall of your forebears, as well as the condition that you find yourself in. Unlike Adam and Eve, who knew Paradise, and who brought the jungle hell existence upon themselves--you were born into the conditions and the family for which you had no choice. It is not your fault, in other words. And being born a fallen creature, it was almost inevitable that the hellish conditions would tempt you to resent and doubt. That's how you lost the Paradisaical state of mind you once knew.

You cannot change the world. But you can stop doing what makes you sensitive to the tempting error all around you. You can find your way back to your own center of dignity and hook up with the inner good form God you once were close to as a child.

When you begin responding once again to what you know in your heart, it will set up an invisible force field that will protect you from being penetrated by wrong on the outside. All it takes is a burning desire to know the truth, a willingness to forgive and let go of resentment, and making use of the meditation exercise.

It does not have to happen that the cruelty and confusion on the outside permanently traumatize us. It does not have to happen. Two people can go through the same event--one recovers, the other is devastated.

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Since we are all human, sooner or later events and circumstances will get to us (even if we hide it), and we will suffer the stress of being compelled to adapt. Just remember that it is an even bigger and more fateful stress to lose faith and hope, or love and trust, and then have to adapt to that sort of world.

I must also quickly add that we may fully recover from the event if our faith and love remain intact or if we are restored to faith and love at some later point. This restoration most often depends upon a spiritual change of heart: awakening through the touch of God and a willingness to let go of resentment, and thereby finding the ultimate security in the love of our Creator.

I must say it again, no matter how devastated a life or worldview a person may have; and no matter what horrors he or she may have experienced--it can all become a distant thing of the past, with a whole new world of joy and discovery opening up.
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This is not mere fantasy, Pollyanna thinking or a placebo; but a real thing that is in store for those who love the truth and respond to this message with joy. (Christ spoke of this in the Beatitudes in His sermon on the mount).
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Many of us have been devastated, some by war, some by violence; but most, if not all of us, have experienced childhood traumas that set us up to be more reactive to latter events. Most of our parents did the best they could, but lacked the wisdom and understanding to protect us from emotional trauma and teach us and tutor us in the art and discipline of self control.
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I am not blaming them, because most of them had been devastated by the cruelties of life. They were struggling to stay afloat, and could not give us what they did not have. Sadly, many of our parents did to us what was done to them.

Before continuing with our discussion of the problem, let me say that restored faith and forgiveness will permit us to recover. Moreover, this new way of living will also serve as a protection from future trauma, both the little daily irritations (which can accumulate to harm us) and big events which may come to pass.

You will learn how to meet life with grace; and you will also be able to perhaps share the principles you learn with your loved ones. If nothing else, your calmness and understanding will help protect your children, as they see, appreciate, and learn from you.

Therefore, please keep reading. Not only for yourself, but for your loved ones. . article continues below.

Editor's Note: We know some of you are in a hurry, so I want to mention where to find a few of our resources, so you can go directly or come back later.

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Before again stating the solution (restored faith and forgiveness), I will describe in more detail the nature of the problem. The trauma is a result of a loss of innocence, a loss of faith, a loss of trust, a loss of love for others (when we hate them). The psychic trauma (and resulting physical changes) results from a loss of faith in good or a loss of love.

More often than not, the losses are the result not so much of what happened to us, but of our resentment and hatred of another. Our resentment cuts us off from the inner fount of love. And when we are cut off, we experience the loss.

Let me repeat this important point one more time. What cuts us off from faith, peace of mind, innocence, joy, and even development (along the lines that God had in mind for us) is resentment and hatred.

When you hate, you are separated from innocence; and then you feel the loss. And then the typical egotistical response is to redouble our resentment of the other person because of the loss.

But again, here is a very important point. The fall and the loss do not have to happen. We do not have to lose our faith or love. If we do not, then we will not change or be rendered sensitive to stress. And even if we did fall, through loss of faith or through hate, we can still recover when we forgive. And to be able to forgive requires a reconciliation with conscience. This happens when we are repented.

When you were little, you were close to God. You were self contained and full of joy. You loved discovering things. You were probably fearless. You loved your mommy and daddy, your brothers and sisters, your pets, and your doll or stuffed animals. You also knew deep down in a wordless way that God exists.

But when betrayal and cruelty entered your life, it was at the hands of wicked people or people to whom it had been done. The evil action of another shocked you. It may have caused you to lose faith in what you know in your heart. It may have caused you to resent or hate. And when you did, the hate separated you from your own ground of being and initiated you into an animal jungle of beasts and evil.

Humans are very sensitive creatures. We have a soul or consciousness by which we can sense the presence of good or evil, right or wrong. We can sense love or the absence thereof. That is why if dad fails to protect you, it is a shock. If mother betrays you, rejects you, or brings strange men into the home, it is a shock. If other kids tease and are cruel, for no reason, it is shocking.

But what really causes the fall is our reaction--especially when we resent, hate or judge the other person. Resentment and judgment separate us from love, from the Heavenly Estate within, and joins us to the world that tempted us.

Before your trauma you were innocent and close to Heaven. Afterwards, you became externalized and began to change. Slowly you fell away from the inner Light and drew closer and closer to the sensual source of trauma and the hell just beyond it.

You will also come to see that you never really had faith. What you had as a child was a natural naive faith. it was good and sweet, but alas not the kind of faith that develops later in life for the reborn mature person of God, Such a person finds an inner rapport with the Creator Whose word dwell in our hearts and Who comes to abide in our innermost being.

A young person may have, as I said, a natural trust in parents and other authorities, and a trust in words and concepts he or she has learned, heard or read. Thus it is a surface faith, based on emotions and words, even cultural sort of thing. But when betrayal, violence, confusion, mayhem, and cruelty are encountered, the shallow trust begins to flounder.

Simply realize that you are not bad or damned if your early beliefs and trust in what your parents and church taught you have failed you. Just see that the good teaching or words you heard, even the good actions you saw, represented or payed lip service to a higher order of good, one which you are yet to discover.

In your own life you experienced a second fall from being close to Heaven and Paradise to a external jungle of cunning, treachery, deception, hatred, and injustice.

Do you see the magnitude of this change? Can you see that when you fell, you began to adapt to the the animal and devilish world that had penetrated you?
Christ said: the Kingdom of Heaven is within you. Re-find the Heavenly Estate within. Begin responding to it again, and it will seal you off from the world of cruelty and hate.

The world of betrayal, cruelty, and meaninglessness won't be able to hurt you again. Learn the meditation so you can be still and re-find the inner world of good, which even now silently testifies to the truth of these words.

What connects you to the wrong in the environment is, first of all, resentment. Hatred is the emotional connection to the wrong on the outside. And the other connection is that you are still looking for love and fulfillment on the outside.
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Can you see that any "love" or reassurance that the world offers is for the changeling creature you became when you reacted to injustice and wrong? The world's love only makes you more wrong and keeps you in your fallen condition.

But don't hate others for their phony love. They cannot help themselves.
Forgive others, for "they know not what they do." Seek within and find love from your Creator. You won't have to resent others anymore when they fail to love you in a way that is truly good for you. Your fulfillment will be from within.

Re-find the inner door and live in a beautiful present. Slowly but surely the memories of the traumas of the past will diminish and become unimportant. You will be progressively freed to live a happy and productive life and be a better mom, dad, husband, wife, and neighbor.
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Visit our homepage to learn more about our stress reducing meditation
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Listen to the free meditation now
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Read Conquering Stress & its Symptoms: the Problem and the Solution online free

Listen to audio: Roland discusses PTSD recorded from his Southern California radio program. Part 1 Part 2

Part 3 Faith and Love: Powerful Antidotes to Trauma

Part 4 Becoming the "You" You Were Meant to Be

For a donation of any amount receive ebook Becoming a Friend of God--Finding peace of Mind and Courage in an Age of Anxiety

This is an introductory abbreviated version of a chapter in Roland's new book BECOMING A FRIEND OF GOD. The complete chapter is one of the most important and comprehensive discussions of the spiritual basis of post traumatic stress. In this ground breaking work, Roland discusses childhood trauma, war and violence trauma and how to deal with the resulting issues. He also discusses how our over-reactions to life's vicissitudes cause us mini traumas and how to learn how to become less reactive and more calm. Roland's new book is now available. It is designed to accompany the meditation

Why Do I Stress Over Everything

2009-05-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

Humans were meant to be intuitive and independent. Instead, most of us are emotional and up to our necks in obligations and worries. What has gone wrong? The problem is our emotional reaction to the presence and pressure of authority.

From the time you were a child, you have been trained and conditioned to react emotionally to things. Because we are born as little egos, not yet spiritually mature, it was natural that we reacted somewhat emotionally. But parents are supposed to protect us from too much emotionality.

Parents are also supposed to be outgrowing their emotional reactions themselves--setting a good example by being calm, composed and reasonable.

Instead, our parents were often emotional. Mom may have stressed over everything. As a little kid, you just followed suit and stressed, pretended to stress, or imitated her. How could you do otherwise? You were just a child, and so you reacted to things, just as she did.

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announcement

This a small excerpt from Roland's new 360 page book: The Best of Roland which will be available soon.

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Maybe you saw that she was overreacting, but soon you may have reacted to her reactions, or resented her for making a big scene. Can you see how your resentment is also a reaction?

Worse yet, your parent or some other authority may have pressured you or been impatient with you. The focus of their impatience was something you were supposed to do, not do, do better, do faster or whatever. The conditioning and programming took place, and today, years later, you find yourself stressing over yourself and giving yourself a hard time over something.

Dear reader: it all began when you were a little child. If only dad had been there a bit more, if only he were involved more, if only he had super human strength, wisdom, and understanding—his calm presence and understanding would have been an antidote to the faithless emotionality of everyone else.

But please: don’t resent him. Dads are supposed to stronger than the world. But most fathers fail. They are supposed to represent calmness and goodness; but most fail to do so clearly and perfectly. Most are victims themselves. The world may have been too much for him; or he was swept away by a war; or perhaps, he conformed and said the right things, but didn’t have the otherworldly spark of fire that fathers are supposed to have.

See now that they were all victims--your mom, dad, and everyone else who had a hand in emotionalizing you. Don't hate them. Don't feel sorry for them either (another emotional reaction).

Instead have compassion, and learn the secret of being calm, so that you won't do unto others what was done to you.

Now, step forward and learn to meditate to refind the inner ground of being you fell from long ago. Find an inner rapport with and a faith in the inner Light from God that will hold you safe forevermore.

Up until the beginning of true faith, most of us spend much of our time suppressing emotion, avoiding people who might upset us, and looking for distractions or drugs to alleviate the symptoms.

Once we start reacting, our conditioned responses are transferred from person to person, to situation, objects, sights sound and smells. If a person upsets you, then even the sound of their voice, their name, or another person who resembles them can upset you.

That, in a nutshell is how we lose control. Authority is transferred from the inside to the outside. External people become our authority, and we respond emotionally as if we were little kids. It may not always be obvious on the outside, but inside we can develop a headache, stomach ache or worse.

When a person (or by transference, an object) can upset you, then you will bend over backwards to obey that person, so that they will leave you alone or not pressure you. That's how they control you.

So, what to do? Get the meditation that we offer at the Center for Common Sense Counseling. Learn how to stand back and observe life without reacting to everything. People who are emotional are out of control, and their emotion is like a drug. Remember Spock in Star Trek? He was calm and unemotional. When the going got tough, he was the one that could be counted on.

I'm not asking you to give up emotions right away. I'm simply making you aware that to the extent that you meet the moment with patience and understanding--to that extent you will be the master of the moment. You will then not have to suppress or repress emotions, because you didn't become upset in the first place. You will start to become your own person.

To recover a natural zest for life and a joyous sense of discovery, you must give up what is blocking you. What is blocking you is your over reacting emotionally. Over reacting drains you until you begin to fear facing life.

Over reacting makes you guilty before conscience and so you shy away and take a back seat. Over reacting keeps bad memories alive, ruining the present. And the worst emotion of all is resentment. It defeats you, makes you guilty, and makes you feel inferior.

Learn the secret of remaining unmoved in the moment of stress, and you will regain your natural courage to go forth on a journey of adventure through life.

Why Do I Get Upset All The Time?

2009-04-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride.

The problem is that most of us do not know how to pay attention without becoming upset by what we see. So we shut down.

But our most upset issues are with daily small irritations. You've probably heard the expression "Don't sweat the small stuff." We know this is true, but the problem is we don't know how to not sweat the small stuff. This is because we have literally conditioned ourselves to become irritated. And when the next little thing occurs, our body reacts.

A small irritant to which we have reacted can literally build to the point that we're ready to have an emotional meltdown over it. Moreover, we react and suppress our emotions all day long, so there is an accumulation of upset and tension leading us to explode in anger at a loved one or reach for the bottle.

Here is the key.

If you don't know how to get enough distance mentally to stand back and watch for the resentment, I can teach you how. (Read about the meditation now)

In fact, the reader will see that these principles correspond to beautiful religious or philosophical principles you may have heard and appreciated but never learned to to apply.

3. Some people do discover that their upset hinges on resentment, but they are unwilling to give it up. However, many people can understand where I'm coming from, they see their resentment and impatient, and don't want to be that way, but don't know how to make the change. I can show you how.

The secret to regaining self control has to do with the timeless moment just before we react.

In that moment we have the freedom to make a choice between going with the resentment and all that follows, or to remain patient. Once we go ahead and resent or choose to indulge the judgment, then there is a due process that occurs, and the bodily stress responses take place, one after another.

Here at the Center For Common Sense Counseling we help people learn to be aware without being upset. We all know that we need to calm down and be reasonable, but as soon as we react, we forget and lose control. It happens so fast. That is why our stillness meditation (which is free to listen to and download) is helpful.

When you are aware, you will have understanding. And when you are not upset in the first place, you won’t become upset and irritable in the second place. You will be patient with your loved ones.

Learn the secret of self control without painful repression and you will have it made in the shade.

Find out more about the meditation

Get the free meditation now

Read more about why we are upset

Why Do I Struggle with Faults and Keep Messing Up

2009-02-28T08:49:00.000-08:00

Down through the ages, thinkers and mystics have extolled the virtue of humility. Yet it eludes us for a couple of simple reasons. Perhaps If I can bring these reasons forth to see, it will help some people who are struggling with people and things.

In a nutshell, we all inherit something called pride. Our prideful nature, our proud mind, our stubborn will, and our sensuous physical nature actually are a compensation for what we lost, as a human race, in the Garden of Eden. That is why it will do you no good to struggle with your fallen nature. You did not create it, you inherited it. You are not responsible for it. Nor can you change it.

Have you ever noticed that when you struggle with things, they get worse? Or they appear to get better and go away, only to come back later, even stronger?
article continues below
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announcement
Roland's new book Becoming a Friend of God - Finding Peace of Mind and Courage in an Age of Anxiety is now available
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Before going any further, let me state the key principle that you need to know and remember:

It is resentment that is your major mistake.

For example, you make a mistake and you resent yourself. Or something goes wrong and you blame someone else. Here are more examples. You make a mistake and you resent being observed. You resent someone else seeing your fault.

What does resentment lead to? It leads to anger. And anger, being wrong, makes you guilty. And so what do you do? Resent yourself again.

Our ego is always trying to rise above every situation. If we can't be right, then our proud ego uses resentment to get a booby prize of hate. The proud ego luxuriates in hate. It is sustained by hate.

And resentment (a subtle form of secret hate) is a chameleon that takes many forms. It can even masquerade as false love.

Resentment often leads to anger. Anger leads to frustration. Frustration to depression or falling apart. Frustration can also lead to a sense of futility or wanting to give up. And, of course, any of these usually lead to another round of resentment, as we hate ourselves, hate the object or person involved in our issue, hate anyone who sees us failing.

Here's another important principle to note and remember. One of our biggest mistakes is resenting knowing that we failed. We resent knowing of our mess up. We resent knowing that we are wrong, that we are weak, that we are all too human, that we are not perfect.

Actually, even if you are full of resentment right now--if you can perhaps see what this knowing that we resent is--it can lead to a break through realization and turning point in your life.

This knowing of which I speak is actually the silent action of conscience. It is like a light shining within in which we see. Our soul literally sees things in this inner light. This inner light, which we call conscience, is from God.

An animal can see. But the human can see that he sees. A human can see and perceive. She can hear and understand. An animal can hear a joke; a person can hear a joke and GET THE JOKE. A human can read a math problem, and suddenly see the answer.

When we are fixated, caught up in something, or when we are emotional, we tend to see in a one dimensional way, like an animal. We see, hear, read, or do without understanding. We are temporarily cut off from the higher form of seeing and knowing that adds an extra dimension to things. (that's why it is not good to concentrate too hard on something. It is when you stop concentrating and just put it aside, that the answer comes).

Few of us would resent getting a joke or resent solving a problem. But we resent knowing that we messed up or are messing up. Usually it is connected with wanting to be right, good, popular, smart, lucky or something else that we were tempted to want to be or have.

In the Garden of Eden, Adam was tempted to be like a god. He thought he could be always right and never wrong (like a god) through knowledge.

We inherit his nature. We want to be right, smart, popular and so on. We want all the attributes of a god. When we seem to lack something, we want it. For example, in school, some kids seem to be popular and well liked, so we want that too. We are tempted to want it, we try to get it, and we resent not having it. The prideful ego somehow manages to hang onto a godlike sense of pride through resenting what it is denied. Thus it has a sense of being above the situation.

Now, just what was it that you were tempted to want in order to be complete and perfect?

Perhaps you resented your parents and wanted a happy home. There is nothing wrong with wanting a happy home, but when we are tempted to want it and then make it too important, it becomes guilt producing.

Perhaps someone teased you at school, calling you unpopular or something. You resented the label, and then worked, studied, dieted, and did everything to prove them wrong and be seen as popular.

Maybe you were rejected in dating. Becoming attractive or cool became a goal because of the resentment.

Whenver you become resentful, temptation is at your doorstep, offering to lead and guide you to getting what you want. Resentment, you see, cuts you off from intuition and the restraining of conscience. You come under the influence of whoever or whatever promises you recognition or revenge.

In other words, resentment is the emotion that ushers in hypnosis, that lower state of mind where we are fixed and subject to untoward influence.

Just as concentration, study, and fixation focus the mind and lead to one dimensional thinking without understanding; so is resentment a sort of negative fixation of the will.

Now that you know the harm that resentment does and how it separates you from understanding, wisdom, true creativity and love; you must learn to stand back from your involvements. When you find yourself getting into something (even a piece of music), stand back.
When you find yourself in a situation that is making you resentful, stand back.

Let go of the resentment. When you do you will feel weak (even as you felt strong in your resentment and anger). Just feel weak for a spell, and wait for the wind of the spirit to move you. Wait, and suddenly you will feel a surge of power and the motivation to follow through on a proper activity. You will discover that before, you needed resentment to function. Now you will find another motivation, reason and love.

Perhaps now you can see why resenting your faults (inherited or acquired) is just another ego trip, one that makes you worse and more deeply involved in error. Perhaps you can also see why struggle only involves you more deeply.

Let go of your resentments, and you will discover a new way of functioning.

Not struggling is almost like giving up, but with a big difference. Giving up is out of resentment and fatigue. Whereas, standing back and observing a fault without struggle is quietly watching in the light of truth.

Such a soul knows that it cannot make itself good. It knows that struggle only makes things worse. But it is also unwilling to capitulate to the pressure to throw in the towel. (another temptation).

Standing back and watching, the soul appears to be doing nothing. But this is much better than the former frequent doing something (that made things worse).

This time, the Light either acts upon the fault or error and makes it go away; or the intuitive light moves us to some simple effortless action, which leads to a solution.

If you need some help finding the way to stand back and observe thoughts, situations and people in the light of intuition--find out more about our recovery meditation.

After travelling the meditative path for awhile, you will be able to appreciate the spiritual words of the 17th centruy Christian mystic Francois Fenelon:

ON HUMILITY.

WHAT a mercy is humiliation to a soul that receives it with a steadfast faith! There are a thousand blessings in it for ourselves and for others; for our Lord bestows his grace upon the humble. Humility renders us charitable towards our neighbor; nothing will make us so tender and indulgent to the faults of others as a view of our own. Two things produce humility when combined; the first is a sight of the abyss of wretchedness from which the all-powerful hand of God has snatched us, and over which he still holds us, as it were, suspended in the air, and the other is the presence of that God who is ALL. Our faults, even those most difficult to bear, will all be of service to us, if we make use of them for our humiliation, without relaxing our efforts to correct them. It does no good to be discouraged; it is the result of a disappointed and despairing self-love.

The true method of profiting by the humiliation of our faults, is to behold them in all their deformity, without losing our hope in God, and without having any confidence in ourselves. We must bear with ourselves without either flattery or discouragement, a mean seldom attained; for we either expect great things of ourselves and of our good intentions, or wholly despair. We must hope nothing from self, but wait for everything from God.

Utter despair of ourselves, in consequence of a conviction of our helplessness, and unbounded confidence in God, are the true foundations of the spiritual edifice. That is a false humility, which, acknowledging itself unworthy of the gifts of God, dares not confidently expect them; true humility consists in a deep view of our utter unworthiness, and in an absolute abandonment to God, without the slightest doubt that He will do the greatest things in us.

Those who are truly humble, will be surprised to hear anything exalted of themselves. They are mild and peaceful, of a contrite and humble heart, merciful and compassionate; they are quiet, cheerful, obedient, watchful, fervent in spirit and incapable of strife; they always take the lowest place, rejoice when they are despised, and consider every one superior to themselves; they are lenient to the faults of others in view of their own, and very far from preferring themselves before any one. We may judge of our advancement in humility, by the delight we have in humiliations and contempt.

Why Do I Eat Too Much When I Am Upset?

2009-02-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

Food offers a mysterious salvation and escape for us humans. And because it offers escape and comfort, we turn to it when our ego is hurting, when we need our anger soothed, or our anxiety taken away.

For each of us, food has both a personal history and one that is inherited along with our heritage as a human.

When life is boring, we look for something distracting or exciting. When life is boring we look for something to excite our imagination.

When life makes us uneasy and nervous or anxious, or when we have a hard time coping with what we see, we look for escape.

Our salvation comes by way of the two-fer we get with food. It both offers a pleasurable escape, as well as comfort.

The comfort part is easy to understand. Food fills our tummy and takes away hunger. It also is associated with childhood memories of mother and her love and her food. So when our ego needs comfort, it turns to the mother love that food represents.

The escape aspect is also easy to see, but has a more profound aspect to it. The down to earth part is the simple fact that food offers a pleasurable diversion when, for example, we eat a nice meal, have a snack, or enjoy a sandwich with the Internet, newspaper, or television. In short, it is a pleasant break to eat.

But in a more profound sense, food also has a hypnotic quality. It ushers in dream time. We float away with our favorite food, and we are carried away from reality. Watch people sometime in a restaurant. As soon as they start eating, they are gone, off in a very private munching world.

We celebrate with food, but we also escape with food. When our life is not going well, when we have issues and problems, when we don't feel good about ourselves, when people are upsetting us--we turn to food for comfort and escape.

Food seems to understand us--just as a mother might. Comforting and forgiving us, and reassuring us that everything is alright. Just as sleep is an escape for some people, so is the food trance.

Here is another very important aspect of why we have such a relationship with food. Food fills the emptiness. When we feel empty and unloved, many of us turn to food to love us. That's why many of us have food problems.
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A nice young lady whose dad is not there for her might find a sort of substitute love in food.

A married woman, whose husband is not there for her, may find love in food.
A man who was close to his mom, might now be his own chef and cook for himself (thereby loving himself).

Of course, it is a small stretch to see how marijuana comforts and reassures certain people; or how another will turn to alcohol ( a variation of food) to comfort himself. Cigarettes, coffee, soda or even sipping on bottled water all day offer an oral comfort reminiscent of our early food gratification and assurance. The heroin addict even finds a sort of love in heroin, as it carries him away to his drug induced fog.

Here is a key principle to bear in mind: the human being is created in the image of God. Our soul should be loved and reassured by its Creator. But most of us do not have a bond with our Creator within. Most of us have not really found Him (though some will, and that is what I am trying to help you to do). Something gets in the way of being close to our Creator and having His love.

If you were to find this inner rapport with God, then you would not need the love of the world. You could be a good wife, husband, or neighbor, enjoying fellowship with others--but you would not need other's love.

If you found the life of the spirit that would come from within, you would not need distractions, diversions, or escapes. You would enjoy reality. You would live and move and have your being in the light and love of the Creator. Life would be exciting in a quiet way, and you would receive an invisible comfort from being in the good graces of God.

You would still find a modest pleasure in food, friends, work, exercise and so on. But nothing would become too important. You could be moderate in all your ways.
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We are separated from God by pride. We do not want to become still before the inner light of conscience and admit we are wrong. And because we are avoiding conscience, we can receive no comfort from conscience. Instead we have to keep running from reality into comforting arms of whoever or whatever helps us escape from conscience.
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We are also separated from the love of God through resenting and judging others. We resent our mom, dad, husband, wife, neighbor. We resent people for their errors and imperfections. And we harbor grudges against them. The resentment of others separates us from the love of God. It says in the Bible: "You cannot hate your brother who you can see and love the Father you cannot see."
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Next time you become angry and resentful--notice how you become hungrier and thirstier. Resentment and wrong living excite and awaken a lust for life. But the piper has to be paid. We lose the approval of God, and we become dependent on worldly comforts to soothe our pain. A wife can have food problems because she resents and judges her husband.

God is ever ready to love and help us, but we fend Him off by running from what we wordlessly know in our heart is right. And He also will not forgive us unless we first forgive others.

So we become locked in a love hate relationship with people, objects and substances. We resent them, and then we love (need) them for the distraction or comfort value they provide. But when we accept their comfort, we then hate for what they do to us.
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This love-hate aspect is also seen in such things as binge eating. For example, food may represent mother and her will. And her will, which we once resented and struggled against, now is embodied in the food which which we now struggle. Food also represents false love.
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Under mother's catering and food service there may have been a resentment of her husband, perhaps even of the kids. Eating her food meant accepting her will and partaking of her service (which she performed as a compensation for her hate and judgment) Years later, the adult child struggles with food, having the same relationship with that food that she once had with mother. Just as the child had a love/hate relationship with mother and struggled with the willfulness in her food, now the relationship is transferred to food (which represents mother).

Understand: I'm not blaming mother. Undoubtedly her father had not been there for her, and chances are her husband was not there for her either. She wanted something from him which he seemed incapable of giving. And for this, she undoubtedly could not help but resent him for.

So, now perhaps you can see why struggle is not the answer. Understanding is the answer. If you will, read more about the food mystery that has the whole human race in its grasp. If you receive the message I offer with the right spirit, it might mark the beginning of a gradual return to a right relationship with food by way of a right relationship with God.

The Way to Calm Down

2009-01-24T13:24:00.000-08:00

Most of us would like to deal with life's problems with calmness and understanding. Instead we find ourselves reacting and becoming upset. The more upset we become the more resentful we become toward others. We become impatient with them and then we become impatient with ourselves. Soon we start to blame others for our lack of control. Of course, this is unfair to others. So they react to us. Soon family and relationship problems escalate.

Once the process begins, we don't know how to stop it. Either we explode at one another or we repress our hostilities until we are seething volcanoes. All this repressed material soon erupts in other symptoms. When we can't control ourselves, then we look to experts to control us. Soon we are their subjects, paying dearly for their treatments which never really seem to make us better. Individuals, families, and the whole world is brimming over in anger and upset. Fortunately there is a real answer to your problem. It focuses on the moment of reaction, when you succumb to some stress.

Look at it another way. If you could learn to be calm in the moment of stress (without expressing or repressing impatience, anger or upset), you would not add any fuel to the fire. Calmness and reason could be brought to bear, and you might even have a good laugh.

In order to solve your problem, you must learn to have an attitude of alert preparedness. When the moment of stress arrives, you will be ready for it already graced with calmness and understanding. Now, you will have a twinkle in your eye, meeting the moment with understanding. You will now influence the moment instead of the moment influencing you.

Searching For the True Meaning of Christmas

2008-12-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

Seeking is very important. The wise men followed a star, seeking the Christ Child. The shepherds sought the baby Jesus after having been given a hint by the angels (“you will find Him wrapped in swaddling clothes and laying in a manger”).

Jesus’ mother sought for Jesus, and found Him in the temple (at which point He said, “don’t you know I must be about my Father’s business?”)

The centurion whose daughter was sick came to seek Jesus, and when he found Him, the daughter was healed. Jesus told parables involving seeking: where, for example, the master came back and sought the servant, where the prodigal son sought his father, where the bridesmaids sought the bride, or where the shepherd sought the lost sheep. When Jesus was killed, Mary and Martha came to seek Him, but He was risen. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said: “seek and ye shall find.” Time and again, the process of seeking is important.

Today we must also seek for Jesus. The shallowness of consumerism at Christmas time should not trouble us. It simply means that He is not to be found there. When our religious, moral or political leaders are revealed to be opportunists or frauds, it should not trouble us. It only means He is not to be found there. When their words are shallow, it means he is not to be found there. Thus it is revealed where there is no use looking for Him.

But He is here. He said wherever two or more are “gathered in my name, there am I among them.” But I don’t think we know what the phrase “in my name” really means. He also said that the Kingdom of Heaven is all around us, but we fail to see it. He also said the Kingdom of Heaven is within. He said words to the effect that “if you love me and obey my commandments, then the Father and I will come and make our abode in you.”

He said that in the last days people would say, “He is here or He is there,” but He would not be found there. He is not where most people expect Him to be.
Little children love Santa Claus or love their dolly. This love is beautiful and sweet, but it is an emotional thing. Alas, many of us have had feelings for Jesus in the same way.

In human terms, the meaning of Christmas may be about giving, about sharing or about family. This is fine as far as it goes. The presents, the friendship, the Christmas stockings, the Christmas story, the music and the candles are nice and they have their place. But the true seeker keeps seeking. Without rejecting the niceties of Christmas, the seeker keeps searching for the real Jesus, that’s all.

Therefore, if you have a sense that the true meaning of Christmas is lacking, you are probably right. If you feel like something is still missing and you haven’t really found Him--even though you may have said you have and want to have--then keep searching. That is what He told us to do. Seeking is very important.

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Overworked, Underpaid, Looking for a Job - Don't Let Worry Ruin Your Peace of Mind

2008-12-11T17:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone has stress problems. The reason why is simple: we react and over-react.

When we over-react we stress ourselves. When we over-react to our kids, we upset and cause them stress. Soon they have problems as a result of our emotional pressure on them. We over-react to our spouse or kids, and soon there are hurt feelings and an unhappy undercurrent in the house. We might even accuse them of something they didn’t do.

Soon our reactions make us edgy and we begin to have physical symptoms. We seek symptom removal from pills, but when the pills don’t solve our problems, then we blame and get upset at the doctor (or the medical bills). Instead of blaming others, we must look at our own attitude.

The solution is to learn how to be less reactive. A little change in attitude, a little sincere reflection, and a little coaching will often make a big change for the better in how we deal with people and issues.

Roland Trujillo teaches a stress reduction meditation that goes beyond just dealing with symptoms. Learn to be less reactive, and soon your problems will be on the mend.

Spiritual Health - Coping With Financial Crisis Using Meditation to Prevent Stress and Family Arguments

2008-10-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

Financial crisis does not have to lead to family crisis. Economic troubles don't have to result in relationship or health problems.

You can still be reasonably happy, healthy, loving, and cheerful in spite of external circumstances. You don't have to take out your frustrations on your kids or yourself. Wouldn't it be better to not become resentful, angry or frustrated in the first place?

So I am here to remind you that you can lose something--even wealth, position, or house--without losing your character or your happiness. I'm here to remind you that the best things in life are free.

We all know this at some level. We have all heard that money can't buy you happiness. We've all seen families who have very little, but who have a lot of love. We've seen great men and women come out of poverty.

Many of us who are a bit older remember when we were young newlyweds, for example, and had nothing but a one room apartment, a lamp, and some boxes to sit on. We remember that we were happy, much happier than years later when we had many material possessions.
Some of us have experienced getting what we wanted, having our heart's desire and yet feeling miserable and unfulfilled.

So if you know this, why do you get upset, worried, distraught, and begin to have a churning stomach when you can't pay all your bills or lose your job?

The reason why is both simple and profound. First the simple sound byte version: you've permitted yourself to become upset over trivial issues. Thus you indulged emotions, and now when the bigger issues arrive, you are easily thrown out of control. How can you remain calm in big troubles when you allow yourself to get upset by the little ones?

The simple answer is this: start to exercise what character you have left. Have some discipline. Be a man. Be a woman. Set a good example for your kids. Don't indulge worry, doubts, fears. Never take counsel of your fears, a great general once said. Be patient. Remember the old expression: "this too shall pass." Get busy, do something: go for a walk. Help someone. Look for work. Volunteer. Forget self.

Pay special attention to and beware of anger, which makes you wrong and guilty, and which conditions you to be reactive and out of control. See how judgement leads to anger. Let go of judgment.

Now the more profound reason why we permit external circumstance to affect our inner life, and by extension our relationship with others. We are egotistical and selfish. We lack faith, and we have always been taught to look to the outside for answers or into our intellect for answers. We are too externalized.

In other words, we look to the outside world for guidance. We look to the outside for support and comfort for our ego. And when we are not looking to others, we are looking into our intellect, hoping to dredge up some answer from there.

Where we should be looking is to intuition, what we ascertain wordlessly in the inner Light from God. But we avoid intuition, because having strayed from it, it now comes back as 20-20 hindsight. It feels like conscience, and it makes us feel bad. And as long as we don't want to be sorry and admit our mistakes, we avoid feeling bad and shun conscience.

Of course, that is what just about everyone else is doing too. Can you see the folly of looking to some exert for guidance: an expert who is a prideful intellectual and who is devoid of conscience because he or she avoids conscience too? It is truly a case of the blind leading the blind.

But as I said, it is not totally your fault. You could not help inheriting the nature that is prone to being prideful. Nor could you help believing what everyone told you to do: get an education, look to experts for knowledge, be ambitious, set goals, and so on. You may have had a suspicion that there was something wrong with the teachers, educators, professors and experts' advice, since most of their own personal lives ended in failure.

But you did not grasp intuition (your hunch about such things) firmly enough. In your natural pridefulness, you wanted to get what you could out of life, and you went down the garden path that everyone else said was the way to go.

Without true faith, how could you argue with the material possessions, seeming pleasure, and monetary benefits others were getting from working the system?

Yet, perhaps you suspected that all was not what it was cut out to be. You may also have seen examples of people who were industrious but not ambitious, who were principled and honorable and who succeeded without copping out, lying, cheating or tricking people.

Now it is not your fault that the culture in which you live does everything in its power to convince you that the answer to your problems is out there somewhere. We are told education is the answer, that knowledge is the answer. We are told that romantic "love" is the answer. We are always looking to some person to make us happy, cure us, or give us some secret to getting rich.

Advertisers, and particularly the chemical pharmaceutical companies, spend billions to convince you that the answer to your problems lies in a pill.

We are treated like sheep, like children, even worse. We are treated as if we were animals: just chemicals, hormones, and stimulus response animals.

Until you fully grasp that you are a human being with a soul, and until you find the secret to the power of good available within to resolve problems, you will be at the mercy of those who want power over you.

The answer is within. The answer is in learning to become objective and aware, functioning from intuition, with faith, the guiding of intuitive understanding, and the protection of God's inner Light. The answer is to trust more in your own God-given intuition than in what others say.

So long as you look to the world for answers, for love, or for some sort of ego validation, you will remain tied to the world and dependent on it. You will become resentful when others betray you.
So long as you are externalized, when a change occurs, when the rain falls, the economy falters, or the customers aren't buying, you will become upset and frustrated.

Learn to go through life with equanimity. Do not become overly excited when things go well. Don't become crestfallen when they don't. Remember: "man does not live by bread alone, but by every word from the mouth of God."

Also remember that other people are lost too. Others are externalized. They have not found the answer. No one loved them enough to tell them the truth. No one had the understanding to share with them the inner path to God.

Therefore you must not hate other people. Many of us have grudges against our parents for not guiding us properly and for letting something bad happen to us. Just remember: they could not give you what they did not have themselves. Also know that hatred and resentment cuts you off from inner love.

Begin by letting go of your resentments against others, beginning with those closest to you. Stop looking to the world for love and guidance. Stand back and observe. Listen to what people have to say without reacting emotionally for or against them. When you read, don't get absorbed. Instead scan lightly for clues.

Perhaps you are calm and philosophical now, but when you go out in the world, you become upset, and then you forget that the best things in life are free. That's why the meditation that we offer here is so important: it pre-arms you with mental distance and patience, so that when issues arise, you don't become upset and forget to be kind and thoughtful.

Listen to my radio program and visit The Center For Common Sense Counseling website where you can listen to a free version of the meditation exercise.